Articles, Blog

Trump Says Coronavirus is Very Much Under Control


MARDI GRAS. DID YOU KNOW TONIGHT WAS MARDI GRAS? THE BIGGEST DAY OF THE YEAR FOR PLASTIC PENIS WHISTLES WITH GLITTER ON THEM, HANDS DOWN. MARDI GRAS TRANSLATES FROM FRENCH FAT TUESDAY. NEXT WEEK IS SUPER TUESDAY, THEN SUPER FAT TUESDAY. THIS IS DEBATE NUMBER TEN FOR THE DEMOCRATS, AND ONE OF THE BIG QUESTIONS GOING INTO THIS IS HOW MIKE BLOOMBERG WOULD RESPOND TO HIS POOR SHOWING AT THE DEBATE LAST WEEK. SO FAR, BLOOMBERG SPENT ABOUT $500 MILLION TO GET SMACKED AROUND BY ELIZABETH WARREN ON TELEVISION. HIS PRIMARY GOAL WAS TO TRY TO KNOCK OFF THE NUMBER ONE GUY, BERNIE SANDERS. BERNIE HAS A LOT OF PLANS, EXPENSIVE PLANS. HE’S NO DUMMY. EVERY TIME ONE OF THE OTHER CANDIDATES ASKS WHO’S GOING TO PAY FOR THESE PROGRAMS HE POINTS TO BLOOMBERG AND SAYS HIM! MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS ON HIS WAY BACK HOME FROM INDIA WHERE HE WAS WELL BUTTERED. THIS IS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU. HE BELIEVES THE RECEPTION HE GOT WAS LIKE NOTHING THE INDIAN PEOPLE HAD EVER GIVEN BEFORE.>>IN THE HISTORY OF INDIA, WHICH HAS A LONG HISTORY AND A BRILLIANT HISTORY IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS, THERE’S NEVER BEEN A RECEPTION GIVEN TO SOMEBODY LIKE WAS GIVEN, AND I WOULD LIKE TO SAY FOR THE USE ND STATES OF AMERICA. BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY NOBODY GOT THE BIG RECEPTION.>>OF COURSE HE GOT A BIG RECEPTION. THEY LOVE COWS IN INDIA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] TRUMP WENT ON TO OVERESTIMATE THE SIZE OF THE CROWD, EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE THOUSANDS OF EMPTY SEATS IN THE STADIUM, WHILE HE WAS SPEAKING, AND PEOPLE WERE LEAVING WHEEL HE WAS SPEAKING, THE DONALD BRAIN TRANSLATED THAT TO MEAN THERE WERE FANS LINED UP OUTSIDE TO GET IN.>>THERE WERE 125,000 SEATS YESTERDAY, THEY WERE FULL. YOU HAD THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE. PRIME MINISTER MODI WAS TELLING ME THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE. THAT’S NOT UNCOMMON FOR ME TO BE HONEST. THEY’D NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT. SOMEBODY SAID IT WAS THE GREATEST GREETING EVER GIVEN TO ANY HEAD OF STATE FROM ANY COUNTRY.>>Jimmy: WHO, WHO SAID THAT? WHO, WAS THAT SOMEONE IN A MIRROR AND LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU? WHEN HE WAS DONE BRAGGING ABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS CROWD, HE TOOK SOME TEAM TO TALK ABOUT ISIS.>>WELL, I DON’T THINK ANYBODY’S DONE MORE THAN I HAVE, IF YOU LOOK. BECAUSE I CAME IN, AND IF YOU CHECK YOUR MAPS AND LOOK AT IRAQ AND SYRIA, IT WAS ALL OVER. IN FACT, THEY HAD IT PAINTED A CERTAIN COLOR, I WON’T TELL YOU WHAT COLOR, BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER. SOMEBODY WILL SAY IT WAS A REPUBLICAN COLOR. I DON’T WANT TO GET PEOPLE CONFUSED. BUT IT HAPPENED TO BE RED. [ LAUGHTER ]>>Jimmy: HE MUST BE GREAT WITH SURPRISES. BARRON, I KNOW IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY TOMORROW, AND I DON’T WANT TO SAY WE’RE THROWING YOU A PARTY, BUT WE’RE THROWING YOU A PARTY. MELANIA MADE THE BE BEST OF HER TRIP TO INDIA. SHE TOOK PART IN WHAT THEY CALL A HAPPINESS CLASS IN NEW DELHI. THAT’S INTERESTING THAT SHE DID THAT, BECAUSE WHATNA IN THE WO WOULD MAKE MELANIA THINK SHE MIGHT NEED A HAPPY, OH, YEAH, THAT. SHE NEEDS AN ESCAPE PLAN AND GRAPPLING HOOK. WE DID LEARN SOME INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP’S HEALTH TODAY AS THE FORMER WHITE HOUSE DOCTOR RONNY JACKSON TOLD THE NEW YORK TEAMS “NEW YORK TI REGRETS NOT BEING ABLE TO DO MORE TO IMPROVE THE PRESIDENT’S DIET AND EXERCISE. THIS IS A REAL QUOTE FROM A MAN WHO WAS THE ACTUAL DOCTOR FOR THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, ALL RIGHT? WE WERE WORKING ON HIS DIET. WE WERE MAKING THE ICE CREAM LESS ACCESSIBLE. WE WERE PUTTING CAULIFLOWER INTO THE MASHED POTATOES. THAT IS WHAT WE DO WITH OUR 5-YEAR-OLD AT HOME. IMAGINE SNEAKING CAULIFLOWER INTO THE PRESIDENT’S MASHED POTATOES AND HIDE THE ICE CREAM AS IF YOU’RE CAMPING AND YOU DON’T WANT TO GET BEARS IN THE CAMP. TRUMP WEIGHED IN ON DR. JACKSON’S CLAIM AND WEIGHED IN TWEETING IT WAS A PERFECT CAULIFLOWER. THE STOCK MARKET WAS DOWN A LOT TODAY IN PART BECAUSE OF THE CORONAVIRUS, WHICH IS SPREADING. IN FACT THREE PEOPLE IN OUR THEATER — NO, JUST KIDDING. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED THAT THE CORONAVIRUS IS VERY MUCH UNDER CONTROL IN THE USA, WHICH MEANS WE’RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. BUT I MEAN, WE JUST FOUND OUT THEY HAD TO THICK RICK HIM INTO EATING VEGETABLES. DO WE REALLY THINK HE HAS A HANDLE ON THE CORONAVIRUS? HAVE YOU SEEN THE CORONAVIRUS? THE MICROSCOPIC? I GOOGLED IT. IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A HOMEMADE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT ON ETSY. THAT CHARMING LITTLE BAUBLE IS TRYING TO KILL US. ONE PERSON WHO IS NOT CONCERNED ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS IS RECENT PRESIDENTIAL WINNER OF THE MEDAL OF FREEDOM, RUSH LIMBAUGH.>>THE CORONAVIRUS IS BEING WEAPONIZED TO BRING DOWN DONALD TRUMP. I WANT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS. YOU THINK I’M MISSING IT. YEAH, I’M DEAD RIGHT ON THIS. THE CORONAVIRUS IS THE COMMON COLD.>>Jimmy: WHAT? OH, THAT’S GREAT NEWS. JUST CHUG AN A LITTLE BIT OF ROBITUSSIN, AND YOU’LL BE FINE. IT DOESN’T SEEM LIKE A COLD IN CHINA WHERE HEALTH OFFICIALS AND POLICE ARE WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK TO TRY TO CONTAIN IT. THIS IS A REAL CORONAVIRUS DRILL FROM CHINA. [ LAUGHTER ]>>Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN THE S.W.A.T. TEAM CAN’T GET THE JOB DONE, SEND IN THE GUY WITH THE POOL SKIMMER. HOW DOES, IT’S NOT EVEN — [ APPLAUSE ] I THINK I KNOW WHY IT AS STARTING TO SPREAD. AND WHILE THERE MAY NOT BE A VACCINE FOR THE CORONAVIRUS, DISGRA DISGRACED TELEVANGELIST JIM BAKER HAS A CURE.>>THIS THAT IS CIRCLING THE GLOBE, YOU’RE SAYING SILVER SOLUTION WOULD BE EFFECTIVE.>>LET’S SAY IT HASN’T BEEN TESTED ON THIS STRAIN OF THE CORONAVIRUS, BUT IT’S BEEN TESTED ON OTHER STRAINS OF THE CORONAVIRUS AND HAS BEEN ABLE TO ELIMINATE IT WITHIN 12 HOURS.>>YEAH.>>TOTALLY ELIMINATE IT, KILLS IT, DEACTIVATES IT.>>YEAH.>>AND THEN IT BOOSTS YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM, SO THEN YOU CAN SUPPORT THE RECOVERY. WHEN YOU KILL THE VIRUS THEN THE IMMUNE SYSTEM COME NOS INTO ACT TO CLEAR IT OUT. YOU WANT A VIBRANT IMMUNE SYSTEM AS WELL AS THE ABILITY TO DEACTIVATE THESE VIRUSES.>>THAT’S SO GOOD.>>Jimmy: YEAH, THAT’S GOOD. THAT’S ABOUT AS REAL AS HARVEY WEINSTEIN’S WALKER. SILVER SOLUTION. [ APPLAUSE ] IT’S LIKE A TV SHOW ABOUT AN OLD LADIES WHO SELL MYSTERIES. THIS JIM BAKER IS QUITE THE CHARACTER. HOW THIS GUY CAME BACK AFTER POCKETING ALL THAT MONEY FROM HIS CHURCH REALLY IS A MIRACLE, BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT? HE PRAYED HIS WAY THROUGH. THIS IS A VERY PRAYERFUL MAN, A MAN WHO EVEN PRAYS ABOUT WHAT HE WEARS.>>I GET DRESSED, AND GOD, I PRAY ABOUT WHAT I WEAR. I REALLY DO. I KNOW I LOOK STUPID SOMETIMES. BUT THE LAST TIME GOD TOLD ME TO WEAR A COLOR WAS RED.>>RIGHT. I REMEMBER.>>AND WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY? THE STOCK MARKET CRASHED. A FEW DAYS AGO. >>I REMEMBER THAT.>>YOU REMEMBER THAT? YES.>>Jimmy: YEAH, THAT WAS THE DAY HE STOPPED DRESSING LIKE SPIDERMAN TO WORK. BUT I NEED TO BE CAREFUL, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO JIM, GOD IS GOING AFTER ANYONE WHO MAKES FUN OF HIM.>>ONE DAY YOU’RE GOING TO SHAKE YOUR FIST IN GOD’S FACE. AND YOU’RE GOING TO SAY, GOD, WHY DIDN’T YOU WARN ME? AND HE’S GOING TO SAY, YOU SAT THERE, AND YOU MADE FUN OF JIM BAKER ALL THOSE YEARS.>>Jimmy: HE IS? WELL, PACK YOUR BAGS, GUILLERMO, I’M GOING TO HELL.
276
00:08:42,922 –>00:00:00,000
>>Guillermo: YES, WE ARE.

100
Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *