Articles, Blog

This Children’s Channel Is Basically A Horror Movie


Hey Greg, welcome back to another episode of “What The Fuck Are Kids Watching These Days?” It’s not good. It’s definitely not good. I think the last time I talked about a channel that’s mostly just for kids was the Sharer family. They’re just your average American family that’s convinced that there’s a monster living in the pond in their backyard. The Sharer family has been on the trending page like non-stop the past couple weeks. They had a video about whether you can cook eggs with dry ice the answer to that was no. Obviously. They’ve got another video that’s on the trending page right now that’s called “I GOT HER THIS…” which is a picture of Carter Giving Lizzie Sharer a red Ferrari. This video is really interesting I watched the beginning of it; Carter brings Lizzie to this racetrack and he tells her he’s got a big surprise for her Carter: Oh, okay Liz right here. Hey Liz! Liz: Carter, it’s so hot out, what are we doing here? C: Liz, I have a huge surprise for you! L:What is it, tell me! Lizzie, of course is curious. She’s like what, what is the surprise? Come on, tell me and Carter’s like “Well, you know how you’ve always wanted one specific type of car.” She’s like “Yeah, a red Ferrari!” L: Lamborghinis are cool and stuff but Ferrari’s definitely the way to go C: A Ferrari because you like that it’s like red or something like that? L: Yeah Meanwhile you can see like a bunch of red Ferraris in the background that Lizzie can also clearly see. So Carter’s like “Well I got you something really special, walk over here” So they walk over to the dozens of red Ferraris and Lizzie Still somehow doesn’t know what the gift is and then he tells her to turn around and lo and behold it’s… a Black Porsche? No. Okay. No, there’s a bunch of red Ferraris there too – okay, cool L: Oh I like this one! Anyway, it’s a really bad video But the reason I’m bringing the Sharers up is because I recently discovered two of their friends – Vy Qwaint and Chad Wild Clay. I don’t know if that’s his real name. I don’t know if Wild is his middle name? It sounds like something you would say to impress a girl before you like ride your bike off a cliff or something. “Oh my gosh, you’re so wild!” “Wild is my middle name bitch, and my last name is Clay. And my first name is Chadddd.” Here’s their channel descriptions. Chad says “I use ninja toys to slice fruit and soda I guess you could call me a Fruit Ninja superhero in real life.” So Chad is a bit of a real-life ninja; you’ll see that a little bit later on in the video. He’s got the sickest gadgets, the coolest ninja spy toys He’s a very cool guy. You can tell just by looking at him. Vy, on the other hand is more of a girly girl. “Hi, my name is Vy! I like to make lifestyle hack videos for laid-back girly girls.” Which is great for me because I am a very laid-back girly girl. “If you like fashion makeup and DIYs but you don’t want to spend a lot of time doing it then you are in the right place!” That’s right! If you’re really passionate about makeup and DIYs, like you just LOVE it more than anything in the world but you absolutely hate spending time on it. This is the channel for you! So the descriptions of these two channels are pretty different. You know, Chad Wild Clay is more focused on ninja gadgets He’s a real guys guy. Chad Wild Clay: Do not eat my peanut butter! **Do not eat my peanut butter!** Meanwhile Vy makes uh videos for laid-back girly girls. But they do have one thing in common and that’s that they’ve both… Been kidnapped by a hacker. That’s right over the past I want to say two months they’ve been on and off kidnapped by a hacker. It’s sort of like this on-and-off relationship. They have with this hacker where sometimes he’s kidnapped them and locked them in an abandoned prison or in an abandoned hospital room and sometimes they escape and they just go right back to their house, and do the same shit all over again the next day. Before we jump into the real thick of the plot I just got to say this video sponsored by Squarespace. If you’re looking to get a great domain name, build a beautiful-looking website or online store, Squarespace is the place for you. You can go to Squarespace.com/Danny to get 10% off your first purchase. So… There’s that. So all the backstory you need to know on Vy and Chad is that they’re being sort of like chased by this hacker. He’s been hacking their YouTube channel and trying to delete videos. He’s “apparently been doing it to other YouTubers” too, But they’ve never actually shown any evidence of this. Just all in all stalking them and being very creepy. So that’s what you need to know going into this video. It all starts when Chad Wild Clay and Vy Qwaint are hanging out with the Sharer Family. They’re actually “SCUBA DIVING FOR A ABANDONED SAFE AND POND MONSTER AT SHARER FAM HOUSE (Exploring Underwater Pool)”. If you watched one of my other videos about the Sharer family, you know that there was this whole other story line with an abandoned safe, I guess Chad Wild Clay is looking for another abandoned safe in this pond. I guess at the Sharer family house like, abandoned safes are just a dime a dozen. They grow like weeds over there, You can’t look under any rock or really even take two steps without tripping over an abandoned safe. C: Oh, there’s definitely something down here! C: I think I found the safe. Vy: You did? C: There’s something metal and square down here. C: Let me go down and see if I can grab it. So this is towards the end of this video Chad is in the water looking sick as hell like the real ninja he is. He says he’s found something that feels square and metal under water and he thinks it might be the abandoned safe So, let’s see what he pulls up. C: I got it. Uh I got it. I got it on my hip. V: Do you need my help? C: It’s coming up. V: You need my help?
C: Oh my gosh. It’s really heavy C: ooOOHHHHh here it comes C: I might need your help to pull it up. Here it is. C: What is this? Wait, this doesn’t look like a safe. Wait. This doesn’t look like a safe… Wait, he’s right, that doesn’t look like a safe at all. How the fuck did he feel that underwater and think that was a safe? V: Geez, Chad, I can’t believe you pulled this whole thing up. C: Yeah. And look how long it is! How did he think that was a safe? *Pretending to be Chad* Hmm? Okay. It’s got like a ridged edge and it’s like six feet long… Hmm, but it is made out of metal so it could be a safe. But what happens next is not for the faint of heart. C: Hey I think I might’ve found it! V: ReALLY?? C: I found something square and metal down here. V:Okay!
C: It’s super heavy! V: All right come bring it to me!
C: I’m gonna see if I can go down and get it. V: CHAD SOMETHING IS IN THE WATER! (I had no idea) *Intense seizure* V: HURRY COME TOWARDS ME! OH MY GOD! HURRY, CHAD! COME ON! OH MY GOD *Seizure continues* V: *breathing heavily* Are you okay? Are you okay!? *its not done yet* V: Chad hurry, hurry! Hurry, Chad! Come on, hurry! V: CHAAAD CHAD CHAAAAAD ChaD! ChaD! ChAAaD! That must be traumatizing, can you imagine that happening to you? I should probably have mentioned this but they’re married. I mean this poor girl Vy is just watching her husband get absolutely destroyed By what can only be described as a pond monster. Anyway, that’s the end of that video, it’s a pretty good cliffhanger. Now if you had to guess what was going to happen next, I’ll give you three options and tell me which one you think would be the best approach for Vy to take. Call some sort of search-and-rescue team to help get her husband out of the pond, Jump in the pond herself and risk getting attacked by the pond monster to save her husband, Or throw some sort of flotation device into the pond for her husband to grab on to. Well if you guessed any of those you would be WRonG. But if you guessed that she thought that Chad got sucked down the drainage pipes of the pond, so she followed the drainage pipes to some random farm to look for Chad, Then you would be correct. Congratulations, you win $5,000. (yay!) Now this theory may seem a little far-fetched, like, she just saw Chad get attacked by a monster, why does she think he got sucked down a drainage pipe? That’s a great point, but when you see how thick the drainage pipes are, it starts to make a lot more sense (ikr) V: I have to do a little bit of investigating to see where this go, but come on. V: Chad! Chad! One thing’s for sure though. She hasn’t stopped screaming Chad between the last video and this one. V: Chad! Chad! Chad! CHAD! CHAD! CHAAD!! V: It’s Chad, oh my gosh! V: You know, he says, “Hey Vy, it’s me Chad. I found something really cool!” Well duh, I know it’s you, Chad. V: It’s from your cell phone! (clearly cares alot about missing husband) Just when she’s about to lose hope she starts getting text messages from Chad! But he’s acting a little suspicious in the text messages, **and we find out later that it was this hacker the whole time.** (so spoopy) “Are you okay?” V: He says “I’m fine. Perfect health”. Well, I’m really glad he’s in perfect health, but that’s… V: That’s really weird. “So what happened?” V: Okay, so he wrote back. “I got sucked through the drainage pipe”. (No way!) V: I guess we guessed correctly. I guess she’s not as dumb as we thought. He really did get sucked through those… 1-inch PVC pipes that we were just looking at. Damn Chad is slimmer than I thought, hmmm He’s a slim little guy. Slim little boy. (not creepy) V: I’m gonna ask him where he is cuz that’s pretty important. V: Whaat? V: This is a weird respond. “take 50 STEPS NORTH AND 30 STEPS EAST”. So this mysterious person who she thinks is Chad starts texting her clues on how to find Chad. He leads her to this building she tries to get in but, V: Chad? Uh! That doesn’t work. Eventually Chad’s clues lead her into this weird like, living room area? V: Where am I? Why am I in this weird living room? V: That’s weird. Somebody framed a dollar bill. V: Maybe it’s the first dollar that they ever made on their job, people do that usually Yeah, people usually do that, People usually frame the first dollar they made from their job. I’d say nine times out of ten people will frame the first dollar they made from their job. (Extremely true) But then things take a creepy turn. The text messages tell her to go into the basement. V: Alright m-must maybe he already found something cool and you need the keys for them. V: I guess this is the only door that will probably lead to the basement. So let’s gOOooOO. V: This basement is really dark, but I guess most basements are always dark. V: Lemme turn on my flashlight. I can’t really see where I’m going, Immediately it’s too dark to see, so she does what any logical person would do and she turns on her phone flashlight and shines it right in her eyes. V: Can’t really see where I’m going, but I’m feeling around and there’s more bars. (turn the camera around) V: Alright, I’m just gonna call around because it’s kind of a tight space. (you’re damaging your eyes) V:Different type of wall. (RIP in pepperonis eyes) She walks around in this dark basement for a while, and the only thing she can feel are like cinderblock walls and big metal bars going up and down. And she’s like “Okay, this seems like a regular basement! I guess I’ll just keep stumbling past these like caged feeling walls, And eventually I’ll find Chad!” (10/10 logic) But that doesn’t happen! Turns out she walked right into a trap! Oh noes! A cell door shuts behind her and all of a sudden she’s locked in a prison! V: Oh my gosh, Chad? And this is where things get wild. Chad Wild. Clay. Their videos here sort of break off into two different streams because Vy is uploading videos to her own channel and Chad is uploading videos to his own channel So you find out that Chad is in an abandoned hospital locked in a room, C: Ahhhhrg! While Vy is in an abandoned prison, locked in a cell. V: Chad! Help! And here these videos sort of take on this weird new genre that I’ve never seen before. It’s sort of like Dora the Explorer meets Saw. (plz no) It’s sort of like Saw for kids where your main characters are stuck in this like really creepy fucked-up situation. They’re kidnapped and imprisoned and forced to solve riddles to get out. But they’re also doing that thing kids shows do, where they’re like, “Oh, I don’t know how to solve this riddle, can you help?” Which honestly I think is pretty messed up. Because these videos are obviously made for like four-year-olds, and the situations I think are scary enough for little kids, um, you know being kidnapped and whatnot, but the fact that Vy and Chad are like sort of putting the responsibility on the little kids to help them get out is even scarier probably for the kids. They’re trapped in these creepiest rooms, there are these weird creepy voices from their kidnapper playing all over the place. There’s riddles, there’s clues and they need you, a 4 year old, to help them get out. And what makes these videos ten times better is that this villain, the hacker seems to be the world’s dumbest, most sloppiest criminal. He’s constantly leaving clues and riddles to help the characters get out of these situations. Which I mean if you were trying to kidnap somebody you wouldn’t do. (how does he know this?) Like here, there’s this riddle and he wrote how many triangles do you see on the wall, and eventually, she when she gets that right. It ends up being part of the combination to unlock her from the cell. Like, why would he even write that down in the first place unless he wanted the characters to get out? It doesn’t make any sense. They do this really weird thing when they’re asking the audience for help They don’t just do it like in Dora the explorer where Dora’s like, “Do you see the little Nutcracker guy in the background? Where is he? Oh, he’s there! Thanks for yelling it at the TV!” (Your parents aren’t concerned!) where Dora pretends to be able to hear you speaking to the TV in real time, they ask you to comment your answer and then they pretend that they can somehow see those comments before they’ve Edited and posted this video. So take this triangle puzzle. For example. V: Okay. Alright, help me out V: Let me know how many triangles you see and I’m gonna try it and figure this out by myself, too V:But I need your eyes’s help. Then she tries to figure it out for herself, she gets it wrong. Like a fucking amateur, But then she goes back and says she’s going to look at the comments everybody else read. V: Maybe I didn’t do that correctly. V: I’m gonna look at your comments right now to see if you guys gave me any of different numbers. And then she ends up getting it right and she thanks us all for helping her out by commenting. It’s just like a really weird thing. I’ve never seen anybody pretend to be able to read comments on a video that they haven’t posted yet before. That’s the biggest indicator to me that these videos are for people so young that they can’t even, like, conceptualize how YouTube works that you like film a video, Edit it, and then post it and by that time, like what is in the video has already happened like hours ago, days ago, This is clearly meant for people who just have no idea how videos work. (Like me!) There’s lots of weird inconsistencies in these videos, too. We can see that in Chad’s video where he’s trapped in the hospital, He’s going around trying to like figure out clues and trying to figure out why he’s in this abandoned hospital. C: Is this an x-ray of my brain? Did they remove half my brain? (that explains alot) In the first video he’s filming himself, you know, he’s like vlogging it, he’s like “I have no idea what’s going on!” C: Hello? Any doctors here? Then that video leaves off on a cliffhanger and when we come back in the next video, he’s still trapped in the hospital. But he has a cameraman filming him this time. C: Hello, are there any doctors in here? I’m not sure how this is supposed to work like this seems like it’s supposed to be like trying to trick you thinking this is reality, right? But then like randomly there’s this camera guy in there now. Like is he also did he also get kidnapped by the pond monster hacker? Is he also like a person who’s trapped in there with them? But then they also will occasionally cut to shots that are filmed from security cameras and when they do that, you never see a cameraman filming Chad. So it’s this weird like mindfuck thing where it’s like well then who is shooting this? Is there a floating camera? The security camera footage is also really weird because it’s super easy to tell that they just had somebody stand up on a chair and hold the camera because there’s like visible like camera shake in every one of those shots. It’s like they couldn’t afford a tripod? I was just looking at their Instagrams, they’re pretty funny too. While they’re supposedly trapped in this like prison cell or in an abandoned hospital They’re just like posting regular pictures on their Instagram like this. She’s just chilling in like a sun hat or posting about their wedding anniversary, It’s funny to read the comments on these two like on this picture for their anniversary All the comments are like, Or this one on another one of her pictures, Well, I think it’s safe to say that this guy has cracked the case. Now by now You’re probably pretty attached to these characters and you’re wondering how this whole thing ends. Well unfortunately, there’s not really any real resolution. In their most recent videos they’re still being followed and stalked by the hacker. They did get out of the prison though. Vy got out of the prison, Chad got out of the abandoned hospital, they met up and they had this epic drone chase. C: Come on drone, I’m gonna get you! And uh, well, do you remember earlier when I said that Chad is sort of like a… a ninja? (Nobody knows what he is) Well, you’re about to see that in full effect here. C: I’m gonna do a jump spin side kick, a ninja kick and keep the thing down. (Fuckin hell) C: I think that’ll knock it out of its commission. C: You get on the other side of it to distract it and then I’ll jump spin side-kick it. (What is this, Samurai Jack?) C: Get ready.
V: Okay. C: Go go go go! *InSErt DuBStep MUsIC HerE* *dying narwhal noise* *dabs* Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. CHAAAAD! I mean I told you he was a ninja right? So that’s about the end of the story so far. They do have another video that they posted since then, but it’s not really about the hacker. It’s Chad pranking his wife Vy to think that the hacker is inside their house chasing them, which is something that you would totally do to your wife after such a traumatizing experience of being kidnapped (tru dat) But it doesn’t really have much to do with the actual hacker. Well guys, now that it’s the end of the video, it’s time for me to do my ad read for Squarespace. So here it goes just a regular old ad read. I’m gonna do it right now. Help! Help! Oh! Hey guys, I didn’t see you there. I don’t really remember what happened. All I know is I was just washing my hands when I got sucked down the drain and ended up here totally dry in different clothes. I don’t really know what happened. But I think the hacker might be behind this. *Evil laugh* Oh no, guys, I think that might be the hacker. Hey, let me go! Hacker: Oh hoho I’m not gonna let you go H: Unless you solve these riddles. Oh you just wa- you just want you just want me to answer a few riddles? H: Um.. H: Yeah? What’d you mean? I don’t know. It just seems like you kind of put a lot of work into getting me here. You defied the laws of physics just to get me through those pipes, and you’re just gonna let me go that easily if I just solve a couple riddles? H: Oh, is that not what bad guys do? Yeah, I guess I mean if you say so dude. H: Hahahaha! All right. Here it goes H: If you want to show off your online business, sell products or make an online portfolio or any other online project, H: What is the best all-in-one platform to get the job done? Squarespace. H: You can do everything from picking out a domain to designing the perfect website by choosing from one of their beautiful designer templates. Yeah. Squarespace H: What did you say? Are you just doing an ad read for Squarespace? H: And get awesome 24/7 customer service and you can even set up your own online store in just a minute! Okay, did Squarespace like hire you to kidnap me and tell me about all their features? That seems like way more work than it needed to be. H:No Dude, I’ve already used Squarespace before! And I’ve heard like every other YouTuber talk about it! I don’t need to hear about the features. H: Oh, well, well, well you’ve solved it but now for the next riddle. H: Saw off your legs.
That’s not a riddle. H: Too bad dude, that’s the only way you’re getting out of those chains H: So start sawing.
You didn’t even chain me by m!y legs. You chained me by my hands I don’t know what to tell you man. H: Here you go! This is a hammer.
H: Jesus – this is all you do is complain? H: I’m giving you, I’m giving you an out. I kidnapped you and I’m gonna let you out just… All you have to do is saw off your legs. You don’t need those Well, alright! Alright guys, I hope you enjoyed this video if you’re new here subscribe to join Greg we’re the strongest army on the internet See you guys next time. Bye bye I wasted my time putting subtitles here

100
Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *