Articles, Blog

Sam Morril Performs Stand-Up


>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY
COMEDIAN, AND IT TURNS OUT, NINE YEARS AGO, WAS ONE OF MY
INTERNS. PLEASE WELCOME SAM MORREL. ( APPLAUSE )
>>HEY, HEY. I JUST MET MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER,
AND THE PLACE HE TOOK ME OUT TO LUNCH TURNED OUT TO BE A FAMILY
STYLE RESTAURANT. KIND OF IRONIC. THEY SHOULD MAKE BROKEN FAMILY
STYLE RESTAURANTS. JUST WALK IN LIKE, “WHERE’S THE
WAITER? DID THIS GUY ABANDON US OR
SOMETHING? THEY FORGET TO COME OUT AND SING
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.” THEY’RE LIKE,”WE FORGOT. NEXT YEAR WE’RE GOING TO NAIL
IT.” THE OTHER GUY SAYS I DON’T WORK
HERE. I JUST SLEEP WITH THE OWNER. I’LL BE YOUR STEPWAITER.” I FEEL BAD FOR KIDS WE TELL THEM
THEY CAN BE EXG BUT DON’T GIVE THEM THE ODDS. MY KID SAYS CAN I GROW UP TO
WORK IN THE M.B.T.A. I SAID IT’S POSSIBLE BUT LET’S
LOOK AT THIS CHART I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF PUTTING IN YOUR
HEIGHT AND WEIGHT. IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD. AND IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD. YOU’RE A TINY JEW. THAT’S WHY WE NAMED YOU T.J.” THIS WHOLE HULK HOGAN THING BUMS
ME OUT. THAT SEX TAPE. HE’S BALD BUT ALSO WITH A
MULLET. IT’S A STRANGE EXWUNGZ. HE’S SHREDDED AND IN GREAT
SHAPE. IS HE YOUNG? HE 75. HE’S AN OLDER GUY, HE’S PROBABLY
A GOOD DRESSER. MOSTLY SPANDEX. AT LEAST NO ONE KNOWS YOU HAD
SEX WITH HIM. LET ME STOP YOU AGAIN? THAT’S ALL ANYONE EVER TALKS TO
ME ABOUT. RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD. I WAS WATCHING THAT MOVIE “ANNIE
HALL” ON TV THE OTHER DAY. MY GIRLFRIEND CAME HOME. SHE’S COMPLAINING ABOUT HER
OFFICE DRAMA. I’M TUNING HER OUT BECAUSE THE
MOVIE IS ON. SHE GOT MAD. SHE SAID ARE YOU IGNORING ME FOR
“ANNIE HALL”? I SAID I’M SORRY, WAS YOUR STORY
NOMINATED FOR SEVEN ACADEMY AWARDS? NOT EVEN COSTUME DESIGN. WE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT ABOUT
CAITLYN JENNER. I GET IT. PEOPLE WERE INSENSITIVE IN THE
TRANSITION PROCESS. PEOPLE WERE LIKE WHAT THE HELL. AND SHE BECAME A WOMAN AND A LOT
OF THOSE SAME PEOPLE WERE LIKE SHE’S VERY PRETTY. THAT BELIEVES ME TO BELIEVE IF I
GOT MY EYEBROWS DONE MY FRIENDS WOULD BE YOU’RE A WUSS. BUT IF I BECAME A WOMAN THEY
WOULD BE LIKE YOU’RE VERY BRAVE. SHE SAID YOU DON’T GET IT. YOU’RE A STRAIGHT WHITE MAN. CAITLYN HAD IT HARD. HAS SHE? CAITLYN JENNER HAS NEVER WORKED
A JOB IN HER LIFE. SHE’S BEEN COASTING OFF BRUCE’S
SUCCESS HER ENTIRE EXISTENCE.( APPLAUSE )
THAT GUY TRAINED HARD EVERY DAY
TO GIVE HER A BETTER LIFE. I LIKE A CURVY WOMAN, A
VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN. I COAPT KNOW WHO CAME UP WITH
THE STICK-THIN MODEL LOOK. I THINK IT WAS THE FASHION
INDUSTRY, WHICH MEANS MOSTLY HOMOSEXUAL MEN. GAY GUYS ARE LIKE THESE ARE THE
HOT CHICKS. AND STRAIGHT GUYS ARE LIKE IF
YOU SAY SO. I MEAN, I’LL HAVE SEX WITH MOST
OF THEM, BUT I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. ( LAUGHTER )
WHY DID GAY GUYS GET TO CHOOSE WHO THE HOT WOMEN ARE? THAT’S LIKE IF STRAIGHT GUYS GOT
TO DECIDE WHICH IS THE BEST BROADWAY SHOW? BE LIKE, “ALL RIGHT, AND THE
TONY GUESS TO… ‘ROCKI’ AGAIN.” ( APPLAUSE )
I GET ASHAMED WHAT I FIND ATTRACTIVE SOMETIMES. I SEE A WOMAN WHO IS REALLY HOT
BUT SHE HAS A TERRIBLE PERSONALITY AND MY PENIS POPS
UP. DAMN IT, PENIS. PERSONALITY SHOULD MATTER, BUT
IT DOESN’T. NOT TO MY PENIS. HAVING A PENIS IS LIKE HAVING A
REPUBLICAN SON– IT’S A PART OF ME SO I HAVE TO SUPPORT IT, BUT
THESE ARE NOT THE VIEWS THEY ENDORSE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I THINK WOMEN LOOK AT SEX
DIFFERENTLY. WOMEN LOOK AT SEX LIKE BUYING A
CAR. “CAN I SEE MYSELF IN THIS LONG
TERM? IS IT SAFE? IS IT RELIABLE? COULD IT KILL ME?”
MEN LOOK AT SEX LIKE PARKING A CAR. WE’RE LIKE, “THERE’S A SPOT.” “THERE’S ANOTHER SPOT. THAT WOULD WORK. OH, I HAVE TO PAY? NEVER MIND.” THANK YOU SO MUCH, GUYS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: SAM MORREL LEGAL IN EXWOGHTAM COMEDY CLUB
TOMORROW AND HIS ALBUM IS AVAILABLE ON iTUNES. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

100
Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *