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NCHS 5ive-Oblivon-This is Movies with Austin Kirch


In Disney’s new epic cult classic film of
the century oblivion, Tom Cruise plays Tom Cruise, a scientologist trying to understand
what the fuck a scientologist is. He’s accomplice, Jenna Fischer, is a cold hearted bitch who
sits at a desk all day badgering Tom Cruise to pick up groceries in his sperm space ship.
Surprisingly she’s not as obese as the budget was for this film.
The film is set on a utopian future planet where everything loves everything and giant
upside-down cups suck water from the ocean, fascinating. Tom Cruise’s mission on this
planet is to reactivate minions and to sexually arouse Jenna Fischer, which he does, in a
pool, with his pants on. This is the best part of the film because it reminds us that
love conquers all. As Tom Cruise cruises and peruses around in
his semen ship, he discovers what looks to be the Empire state building covered in sand.
I’m no mathematician nor an avid connoisseur of films in which New York is a desert but
how the fuck is the Empire State building under over 1,200 feets on sand? The answer
to this ingenious question is Morgan Freeman who is the president of a resistance force
called The Greasers who have tasked themselves with killing the triangle thing in the sky
called the tit. The tit is massive and is where Tom Cruise
will go with Jenna Fischer on their honey moon in 2 weeks. You know they are leaving
in 2 weeks because they won’t shut the fuck up about leaving in 2 weeks and it almost
seems as if they are foreshadowing that they might. As Tom Cruise is tinkering with the
sand engulfed building, a space ship crashes on the planet. Tom gets back in his procreation
probe and scavenges the site for survives. He finds Joseph Gordan Levitt dressed in drag,
encapsulated in a space pod. Tom Cruise opens said space pod and falls madly in love with
Joseph. In the trance of love they are captured by The Greasers, who are fond of Mr. Cruise’s
movies and want his company. He is let go after his attempt at converting The Greasers
and returns to Jenna Fischer who is like “What the fuck are you doing with this women” and
he’s all like “Love and shit”. She throws a fit and won’t open the door for Tom, who
for some reason doesn’t have keys to his own house, on the top of a mountain, which for
some reason is locked in the first place. Meanwhile the big triangle tit in the sky
is getting all pissed so she’s like “fuck you guys, I’m going to kill you”. Thankfully
the tits minion disintegrates Jenna and Tom escapes in dramatic fashion and explores a
radiation zone that he’s not supposed to explore. While entering said zone, he crashes his podracer
into the Sahara desert. There he encounters himself and they wrestle. He then returns
to the Greasers with his wife. Morgan Freeman explains that the tit sucks and they must
kill the tit before the tit kills them. Morgan Freeman hates tits. So they take one of the
floating balls and are about to launch it at the tit when suddenly they are attacked
by more ball minions. Comically, many of the Greasers are slaughtered
in a scene saturated with special effects. A strobe light effect adds to the comedic
timing, hilarious. The ball that they had created was destroyed
so Tom Cruise offers himself up as sacrifice because Tom Cruise is a god among men. Morgan
Freeman accompanies him in this task because racism is dead. In this shot, Tom Cruises
sperm shit is piercing the large triangle in space which is very symbolic. It turns
out the big tit is just an android phone that doesn’t like Tom Cruise so Tom kills it and
himself. The movie ends with Tom Cruise. A sequel has already been announced in which
Tom Cruise’s clones fight the sith. I personally can’t wait. This movie is a tale for the broken
hearted. I give it 3 stars out of the universe.

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