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Jimmy Kimmel’s Emmys 2016 Monologue


DRAKKARIS. [ APPLAUSE ] ♪>>Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR HOST FOR TONIGHT’S “EMMYS,” JIMMY KIMMEL. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>THANK YOU. I WANT TO DO ONE QUICK THING BEFORE WE GET STARTED. JUST GIVE ME ONE MOMENT IF YOU WOULD. WHERE’S JEFFREY TAMBOR. THERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT. OKAY. [ APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHT. THAT SAVED US 22 MINUTES. WHAT ELSE? THE REST OF YOU, IF YOUR SHOW DOESN’T HAVE A DRAGON OR A WHITE BRONCO IN IT, GO HOME RIGHT NOW. AND THE WINNER OF TONIGHT’S PLUS ONE CONTEST, SARAH PAULSON, WHO PLAYED MARCIA CLARK, AND BROUGHT MARCIA CLARK WITH HER TONIGHT. EVERYONE IN L.A. KNOWS, IF YOU WANT TO WIN, SIT NEXT TO MARCIA CLARK. [ LAUGHTER ] HI, MARCIA. ARE YOU ROOTING FOR O.J. TO WIN THIS TIME? THIS MUST BE STRANGE FOR YOU. JOHN TRAVOLTA IS HERE. WELCOME BACK TO TELEVISION, WE’RE HAPPY TO HAVE YOU. SO, QUICK QUESTION FOR YOU. IF YOU WIN, ARE YOU GOING TO THANK O.J.? I MEAN, HOW DO YOU HANDLE THAT? TECHNICALLY, YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE WITHOUT HIM, RIGHT? ESPECIALLY, YOU, CUBA. HE WAS SO GOOD IN “THE PEOPLE VERSUS O.J. SIMPSON.” HE PLAYED O.J. SO WELL, I NOW BELIEVE CUBA MAY HAVE DONE IT. TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT WE COME TOGETHER TO CELEBRATE ALL THE AMAZING SHOWS WE WILL NEVER GET AROUND TO WATCHING ON TELEVISION. GLORIOUS TELEVISION, IT HAS THE ABILITY TO MAKE US LAUGH AND CRY, AND DURING CERTAIN KEY PARTS OF “GAME OF THRONES,” MASTURBATE. OH, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. HI, JON SNOW. YOU’RE MY FREEBIE, YOU KNOW. I’M SO GLAD THEY BROUGHT JON SNOW BACK TO LIFE. AFTER 68 YEARS, TELEVISION STILL MANAGES TO SURPRISE US. I NEVER IMAGINED MY FAVORITE TV MOM WOULD BE LOUIE ANDERSON. BUT HE IS. LOUIE PLAYS, IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN HIM, HE PLAYS ZACH’S MOTHER ON THE SHOW “BASKETS.” ORIGINALLY THEY WERE GOING TO CAST A WOMAN FOR THE ROLE, BUT IT’S HARD TO FIND A WOMAN OVER 50 WHO NEEDS A PART, SO THEY WENT TO LOUIE. FORTUNATELY, THERE ARE MORE ROLES AND MORE DIVERSITY THAN EVER BEFORE. HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, THE ONLY THING WE VALUE MORE THAN DIVERSITY IS CONGRATULATING OURSELVES ON HOW MUCH WE VALUE DIVERSITY. THE EMMYS, THEY’RE SO DISVERSE THIS YEAR, THE OSCARS ARE TELLING PEOPLE WE’RE ONE OF THEIR CLOSEST FRIENDS. WE’RE NOT, BY THE WAY. BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, THIS IS A VERY POSITIVE THING, AND I THINK WE NEED TO TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE HOW FAR WE’VE COME. IN FACT, IF YOU ARE A PERSON OF COLOR IN OUR AUDIENCE TONIGHT, ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE A NOMINEE, PLEASE FIND A WHITE PERSON. IT SHOULDN’T BE HARD, I SEE A BUNCH OF THEM, PLEASE REACH OUT AND SAY, THANKS FOR YOUR BRAVERY. THERE YOU GO. MAKE A RAINBOW CONNECTION. I THINK IT WILL — ISN’T THAT BEAUTIFUL. ISN’T THAT NICE? TELEVISION BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER. BUT, TELEVISION CAN ALSO TEAR US APART. IF IT WASN’T FOR TELEVISION, WOULD DONALD TRUMP BE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT? NO. HE WOULD BE AT HOME RIGHT NOW, QUIETLY RUBBING UP AGAINST HIS WIFE, MALARIA, WHILE SHE PRETENDS TO BE ASLEEP. MANY HAVE ASKED, WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE DONALD TRUMP PHENOMENON? I’LL TELL YOU, BECAUSE HE’S SITTING RIGHT THERE. THAT’S RIGHT, THAT GUY. MARK BURNETT, THE MAN WHO BROUGHT US “CELEBRITY APPRENTICE.” THANKS TO MARK, WE DON’T HAVE TO WATCH REALITY SHOWS ANYMORE, BECAUSE WE’RE LIVING IN ONE. THANK YOU FOR COMING ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND TO TEAR US APART WITH YOUR INTRICATE PLOT, IT WORKED. YOU SNEAKY LITTLE CRUMPET MUN MUNCHER. I’M GOING ON THE RECORD, HE’S RESPONSIBLE IF DONALD TRUMP GETS ELECTED, AND HE BUILDS THAT WALL, THE FIRST PERSON WE’RE THROWING OVER IT IS MARK BURNETT. THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN. ONE OTHER LITTLE PIECE OF BUSINESS. WE’RE GOING TO DO THINGS A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENTLY. THIS YEAR, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, YOU MUST BE PRESENT TO WIN. IF WE CALL YOUR NAME, AND YOU’RE NOT HERE TO ACCEPT, THE EMMY GOES TO THE NEXT PERSON ON THE LIST. THIS YEAR, SHE HAD A SUNDAY CERAMICS CLASS, MAGGIE SMITH. SHE HAS THE SAME REACTION THE REST OF US HAVE WHEN WE GET THE 20% BED BATH AND BEYOND COUPONS IN THE MAIL, RIGHT IN THE GARBAGE. SHE GOES TO THE OSCARS, TO THE TO TONYS, THE SOUL TRAIN AWARDS EVERY YEAR. BUT IS SHE HERE IN THIS AUDIENCE THIS YEAR? NO, I DON’T SEE HER. FOR THE NINTH TIME. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? WHY DO WE KEEP NOMINATING THIS WOMAN? SHE’S TREATING US LIKE THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS. I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU, IF YOU WANT AN AWARD, YOU BETTER HOP ON

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