hi guys welcome back to my channel my name is Josh me in this video we're gonna be talking about something a little different than makeup we're gonna be doing makeup as always also my channel to be makeup related but we're going to be talking about something that it's been very heavy on my mind and on my heart and that has devastated me and relieved me all at the same time so yeah recently I was blessed with a very rare and special opportunity and I am endlessly grateful for it and I feel privileged and elite knowing that I was accepted into such an artistic community the the recent blessing was being accepted into the NYX top 30 face Awards and that's a makeup competition basically where you can just showcase your talent and it's like the Rost in the industry and I was one of top 30 and I was super excited but I about to make the I have had to make the difficult decision of withdrawing from the Fishman and it's probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to do it is Sunday now and I've made this decision on Friday I plan to post this on Monday and hopefully answer of the questions that I've been being asked all weekend I think some of you have already caught on that I'm not in competition anymore and I just wanted to make this video because the decision was so difficult and the feelings that I'm feeling are very big so I just want to talk about it because that's what we you know I just want to share with you because that's what I promised I'm gonna beginning with me but especially with my accomplishments and you know this was something we were all really excited about so I want to talk to you guys about it and hopefully enlighten some people and just let you guys into my world a little bit ultimately the reason I needed to withdraw was 100% personal and out of my control and I think that that might be the hardest part so anyways I'm gonna just explain a little bit more I'm gonna go gather myself I also just want to say I know that I am like crying and it's not because I'm sad it's because I'm processing and I'm allowing myself to feel the emotions because when you make big decisions like this and you know they could hurt it could hurt but it's for a good reason in order to see like the good reason it's just really important that you hurt it doesn't mean that it's bad so I want to talk less about like the reason I had to make the decision and more about how like what happened when I did because I just think that that's gonna be the helpful way and I just when I started to realize that this that was like when that thought crossed my mind like damn I was so up in arms physically and mentally like I was like absolutely not that is not an option this is the most blessed opportunity like there was so much rejection and rebellion against that thought in my mind and body and it was not even funny what ends up happening I think is that when it makes sense to do something and you don't do it anyway like it's in your best interest at this point and in life to do this thing and you're not you don't do it in fact instead of doing it you rebelled against it right there's something to be said about that we have to learn I think in life to stop and like reassess like why are you fighting so hard for something that is hurting you you know what I mean I'm not that the Knicks face towards is hurting me but like the things that were happening were hurting me trying to get to that so when I reassessed you know like why it was so important what I came up with was I wanted to win I had something to prove and it was going to be great exposure I was going to be able to potentially grab a large lump sum of money and that those were the reasons like those and those are great reasons but up against the other reasons they weren't they were they were frivolous one of the main reasons I didn't want to was cuz I didn't want to just want you guys but I thought about it you know I have so much faith in your guys that's like love for me and your support for me because it's just always been so genuine so when I started thinking about you guys I started to feel sad and anxious because I just thought you guys would be like disappointed in me you know initially and I have to just like remember that that's like never been the case with you guys I realized it was like my own ego that was telling me like you know don't quit like you're gonna fear a failure like you know if you do this and it's so important in life to like just get out of that mind frame when you need to make a decision like this because like it's so easy to it's so easy to beat yourself up about things that you don't have any control over it was just really important that I didn't like project on to you like you guys because you guys have never ever treated me like that it was like me treating me treating myself like that so I had to realize that and sorry guys so I'm gonna use these purples here to create my smoky eye I also on the back end of that if it was about disappointment what I was okay with was I'm like okay well why would they be disappointed and it's like because you promised them that you were gonna be really artistic and you were gonna show them all your talent and then I was like talking to my friend and you know expressing that and you know she was like well why can't you still do that like your set you you don't need a competition to showcase that you know what I mean and it's not like you didn't make it you're withdrawing so like you have you don't have the reason you think you can't be creative doesn't even exist and I was just like wow that's so true so one I am still going to be very creative and I was still going to get outside of my comfort something like all of those things I promise about the awards I can still uphold that so that was such a relief like when I really put things into perspective and I understood like the things I was worried about I could still accomplish that's when the decision started to become more comfortable like another reason I didn't want to withdraw was because I didn't want people to think I was like a quitter so when it came down to like looking like a quitter like to the other contestants to the brand to like you guys and then mostly to like myself and just all the people that were excited I really had to reanalyze like why I cared so much and what I came down to was basically like it was an ego thing like it was basically like I want everybody to you know know that I'm a killer ass artist and handle anything and like for some reason like not being in this computation competition was like that wasn't true anymore or something and I just was like no that's that's not how that works it still is true this competition doesn't define you like the decision you're making you about the competition doesn't define you and when I started to like really think about letting it go all of a sudden like things started like working out when another really big thing that was stopping me was just like the opportunity itself like you know feeling ungrateful about being accepted into something so many people weren't and you know seeming ungrateful or you know feeling ungrateful to myself like God how dare you like that you know you should be willing to die for this you know I didn't want to seem ungrateful because you know of all you know all the people that didn't get in like I felt like I took up a spot basically I know what's mine is mine you know so I'm not gonna do all them not too much but you know that spot belong to me but it just you know now I'm not gonna be competing anymore so just the thought of it makes me feel I'm grateful and I am like still struggling without a little bit it's getting better every day but it's definitely it weighs on me so just if you thought you're thinking that I'm already there like you know I don't need help drowning it's been two days since I made the decision since I contacted the brand they let me know that like you know I'm always going to be a part of the family and you know they wish me the best they're very graceful about it I felt that you know to them because I was like I hope this isn't causing inconvenience so you know again I just want to take a moment to seriously thank NYX Cosmetics for considering me for giving me an opportunity amongst you know these are the hardest to showcase our talent and even in the top 30 I I've you know gained so much notoriety and like just status in the influence or world so like just thank you from you know even though I'm like not gonna compete you know there's always like next year and there's just so much that like letting go will bring to me and I feel like I'm gonna you know see NYX again like I don't know it's just it feels great to not be involved even with all the you know hardship that's gonna come with my decision you know it's gonna be hard for me to see all the beautiful looks I'm a fan and I'm never gonna hate but like you know it seems to all the people I had like the honor of being in the top 30 with I just want to like wish you guys luck I'm so excited to watch me and my like friend my instant bestie you are gonna be like cheering you guys on and I'm so like happy to have started following so many of you and I just feel like we're all gonna see each other again so I'm not so sad about you know not being able to meet you guys but yeah so yeah this was probably my most emotional video today but I hope you guys can all understand and I just also hope you know my fears aren't true like I hope you guys aren't too disappointed like I said I am still really excited about what the competition sparked in me I'm still really excited about being amongst like all of these elite artists in the community I'm still excited that even though there was a lot I couldn't control in this decision and in a lot of other things um what I can control I am controlling that is like my mental state and just preservation of myself as an artist and you know just really like you know putting respect on myself and my name and like that's a win for me I feel happy I feel smiley you know I'm crying it's weird but it's important to just like document this stuff like it doesn't know it doesn't always feel well you think it's gonna feel like like even I don't know it's crazy I know that there's like rules to life you know and like though when there's a area to apply a rule you should always apply it this rule I think would just be about like letting go of control and trusting that you will have success anyway trusting that your destiny is like yours trusting that you know you define your own life and things like that it's really crazy like this all kind of comes full circle in just my message in general which I never intended for that but it's just funny how things work the reason I feel so good after like losing something so big is because I know that I put myself first and then I know I like love to myself and I feel that like I feel that in even though there's like outside frustration and turmoil like on the inside it's like I understand like I had my own back and I feel good sleeping at night with that but so these lashes are from Stassi lashes I'm not sure the actual style but and then this is the benefit cosmetic bad galloping okay guys this is the completed look so yeah a little purple smokey I hope you guys understand and enjoy my message I also just wanted to say thank you and I love you and I am always always always going to do what's best for me because I know that then I'll be able to do what's best for you guys so anytime you guys see me pull back or anytime you guys see me struggling to you know make a decision it's because it's out of love and it's out of care and yeah I won't get too sappy because I feel like like I never ever wanted to be one of those youtubers that cried on camera thank you so much for watching this video and hearing me out thank you for always supporting me and you guys can support me further by subscribing to my channel liking this video and commenting down below all of your thoughts and opinions I am definitely gonna be reading these comments so yeah you guys this is the final look and I hope you enjoyed yourselves and I will see you guys next time

  • I just want to say that at the end of the day, your life is your life. You have to do what's best for you. If it doesn't feel right in your spirit, there is a reason for that. Maybe it's not for you or maybe it's just not the right time. But you are the only one that can decide that. And those of us who look up to you, and see all the love and talent you put into your art, will still love you regardless! Keep being yourself and living your best life! We know you will go far, beautiful!

  • I am honestly so proud of you and being able to post this video. I gain alot from this video. For I myself do have problems with control, and letting it go. You are still an inspiration even though your going through things. I support you and your discussion and you will always be A1 on my list. I still go threw your page for inspo and you will always give me that drive to create. Your mental health your family health comes first. Whatever your going through I am praying for you. You got this 💪🏼

  • i admire how raw and real you were in this video. you will come back next year better than ever i have no doubt! you're an incredible artist and never forget that ♡

  • We support you, your creativity and your journey, whatever that road is. Don't stress. Take care of yourself always. ❤❤

  • youre soooo gorgeous your facial structure is so unique and influenced my creativity, thank you so much for letting us know 💜 I love you

  • Self care is the best care and we fully support your decision! You are an amazing artist and an inspiration to so any (including myself!) and I cant wait to see what you do next!! <3

  • You are so loved, competition or no competition. You are an incredible human being. Sending love and positive vibes.

  • I love how real, open, and honest you are. You are incredibly talented and I adore your art. You inspire me to get out of my comfort zone. I’m 100% a fan and support your decision. Love you queen! 💙👑

  • hugs You have to do what is best for yourself & your family. You aren't disappointing anyone, babe! I love your work & your content, & I'm 100% behind you! 💚

  • Always sending love and support your way! You are an inspiration always, and your decisions are completely validated! I respect you so much for always staying true to you!

    Thank you for always being so raw and honest with us even though you DONT have to!! You make me want to better myself as a person everyday 💜💜 In the end you really won the prize. ✨

  • It’s okay your gonna be greater than you think everything happens for a reason & everything set back is the beginning of a major come back. Trust in your process 🙏🏽

  • Love you And your work Strash, you have to honor yourself and what’s best for you and anyone can understand that. Thanks for being open and wishing you peace. You’ll continue to be successful you’re so talented!

  • I can only imagine how this process has been for you but I want to say as a supporter of you and your artistry I am proud of you. It’s a beautiful thing to see an artist put themselves first, their mental and emotional wellbeing before “dying for this” .. you’re an amazing artist and influence in the beauty industry and I love you so much! Your art, your genuineness, your passion for it all!! Much love to you and I’m excited for what’s to come! 🥰💗

  • Sweetheart your an amazing artist. Please don’t be discouraged. We support you either way. Your health and wellness is important. We love you 😍 🥰🤗

  • U have to always do whats right for you! At the end of the day if u dont protect you, nobody will! Can u still do the look u was planning on? I would looove to see what u would of came up with! If thats ok. If not i totally understand!!!!! And that purple smoky eye is BEAUTIFUL

  • Ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you and I am proud of you for that. You will continue to level up in your career when you put yourself first. I’ve got mad respect for you, girl!

  • It takes a lot of courage to sometimes do what is best for you! Many times that is what stops me from things. You are amazing, did that courage.

  • Ive been supporting you for so long now so i was excited to see you showcase your skills to the world but at the end of the day i love you as an artist and i love you as a person so i wish you nothing but the best!! So many amazing blessings & opportunities are coming your way! Cant wait to see what you create next💓💓💓💓

  • i really appreciate your venerability towards us. you are one of the few public figures who genuinely set out an example and follow within themselves and that is so refreshing and respectful too see. i know other opportunities will come towards you and you’ll continue too succeed. this in itself is an accomplishment that you were able to establish what’s best for you and make a decision based on that. we love you. greater things are coming, in the meantime take care of yourself. you deserve it!!!💛

  • I’m glad that you’re doing what you need to do to be happy. There’s too much tension in this community so it’s refreshing to see you work so hard to do your thing, and still work so hard for what keeps you sane. I can’t wait to see what you accomplish!!!!❤️

  • We could never be disappointed in you sis 😔. You did what you had to do, self love comes first ma 💜💘💕❤💖💗 just glad you shared your emotions with us!!

  • You have to do best for your mental health. Loved how real this video is. You created such a beautiful look and you don’t need a competition to prove anything. You are talented !

  • Thank you for being true to yourself. Watching you I feel like alot of us know what we know of you so to see you this raw just proves why we love you. Keep pushing, keep pushing, keep pushin this too shall pass!!!!

  • I support you, since I first saw your work. We’re all rooting for you! I’m really rooting for you, because you’ve personally encouraged me to keep going and TRYING, and applying myself. This is a bold , and confident decision. Strash! Love your brand ❤️ and there’s blessings to go on forever. Gratitude and Love always 🙏🏽

  • I’m so glad you made this video I was wondering why you weren’t on the nyx finalist page. I’m so sorry you had to make a big decision like that but bigger and better things are coming ❤️ Sending blessings your way

  • Watching this is so raw, you are such a great creative inspiring woman. You can only be a quitter if YOU feel like you are. You’ll do so many bomb ass artistic looks outside a competition! Maybe you could do a weekly video after a poll about a general category your people pick and you interpret that in your own artistic way? You’re brilliant. Remember that.

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