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Dave Portnoy Roasts His Employees at the 2019 Barstool Dunkin' Awards



all right welcome ladies and gentlemen second annual Dunkin Donuts the go-to awards the barstool Awards thanks for everybody coming hey Marco looks great congratulations fight Oberg nice outfit Liz lovely YP like you dressing up KFC like shit Francis you could use the 70 people that signed up for your comedy special – by night's outfit we could have done that the people who didn't dress up it's up to me we do a firing squad right now but it's Dunkin Donuts Awards so we won't do that but I'll tell you this right now if you're not dressed up bad real bad anyways let's continue let's get right into it the second awards show we've ever done again things thunk in all the people here obviously a lot of time effort everybody involved here so let's get right into the awards best sports performance is the first one the nominees Oh spider you get his brain to me oh no no an ounce the nominees right me winning US Open at Shinnecock chefs not to put Shinnecock this super tough golf course in my back pocket with mullets for the glory history at Shinnecock dave Portnoy is the US Open champion [Applause] [Applause] not the I mean you're sweating it's a long walk up the steps there guys senior waters I usually want to come out I got a minutes like relax for those at home the double bar get done right now he had to walk up a flight of stairs to get to the radio and he is feeling it so best sports performance of the year winner is well there's a good way to start me so I'll take one of these I'll take one of these big EV I felt like maybe you were a second I don't want to make fun of you for being fat so I didn't do that thank you to me alright next award we got biggest hit of the year roll it you're so MA Josie never sleeps I would rather join Eero Lido well let me ask you one more question I guess you do what you got to do see that full bite yes oh my god all right biggest hit of the year the winner goes to Donny at the Hong Kong 7 a lot of people are calling me a hero of the LGBTQ community at the time honestly I was just mad because the guy just tossed the $1000 bar stool microphone which I never got back in it was broken but I want to say that I am an ally to the LGBTQ community I just didn't realize it at the time and that was a very very weak punch so thank you to that rugby team that didn't beat the living shit out of me thank you absolutely beautiful Donny beautiful stuff and it's Pride Week so beautiful next up best duo presented by Duncan go-to is of course huge category no pun intended let's roll them we've got three nominees I believe we're here at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show gonna talk to some models so excited hey versatile I'm Romi and we're here backstage to the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show how have you been preparing for the show oh is that a lot of lead up in preparation for this job I've had people come to my house when I've had barbecues and bring fast food saying we're not sure that the kids would eat what I was cooking that's disrespectful those people whose kids will never really know what an apple tastes like they can go eat a dick mistaken by the readers by the stories so and the goat cheese obviously people go out and get the job done the opposite of everyone who dressed like an asshole here you know and just no effort so fuck all you people who did that dunk ago – its back to the awards Caleb and Rowan [Applause] right thank you guys so much we never thought that we would win this award and we thought there was a little bit of a miscarriage of justice that there's like so many duo's in this in this company that really do shoulder the load and and carry the company and that that put out really great content and so that's why we think it's unfair that the call her daddy girls weren't here today but outside of that thanks so much for the award preciate you guys you still you know you guys still have a chance if you guys just keep working and just keep building and just keep riding you one day this is you guys okay moving right along here best TV appearance got a bunch of nominees couldn't hear it head here so play the plan the winner best TV appearance Tommy the vape god I had no idea I would ever win this tonight you know obviously I wasn't prepared for it at all for anyone wondering this outfit did get Dave's approval not in trouble as I put effort into it got on Saturday Night Live so I'm in the clear you know keep vaping I've been working on my clouds I'm gonna try to blow a cloud I think Tommy brings up a good point about putting effort into it I mean how long have we known about this event you show up in a t-shirt or nothing it's like you think you got a 10-year contract wild Oh am i mad about it yeah I'm fucking mad about it karabast t-shirt Francis the only thing you care about is your own Kevin lead by example give me a fucking break oh by the way best TV appearance let's move nope already did that best educational film roll it I'll find anything else to do in this fucking world I'm gonna get him for the people with a gambling I'm the gambling fuckin mayor I'm coming for you I'm coming for you I'm gonna get this stuff big now get out of here I got a lot to do what to do dave has a team called team Portnoy and what team Portenoy is its yes-man that always agree with anything at all how you feel out to have your second helping at Thanksgiving dinner when you sit on the couch you loosen up the belt you unbutton the button so you let the belly breathe that's how fat guys feel every goddamn morning when they wake up educational film the winner Marty mush fraud in order it's up you bastards how you doing I'm exhausted I've spent a lot of money to win this fucking award I owe that stupid fucking bookies so bad thank you from the gambling mayor the degenerates out there I love you love you best best celebrity guest appearance obviously waving at me ass over here [Applause] killed someone and he said and this isn't me saying this dude I wouldn't do something like this but he said that it fucking feels good I don't know anything else man you see that best celebrity guest appearance Blake Griffin college football show to be honest I think we thought we're gonna get a video like of him thanking us he didn't it probably should have gone to Taffer but still Blake Griffin will send you the war and since no speech it's like the lights camera action guys you guys like movie guys you dressed like trash you act like you got a million billion views you guys are lucky to have jobs you dress like trash unbelievable sorry little rant I'll go off King is that what you saying yeah it's just just a lack respect really best pizza reveal play it I would give this a solid B maybe a beat one I said beat I'm sorry now I wait this is coming I'm gonna go at 7.50 this guy's got permission to shoot on my patio today oh cool so I'm gonna need you to make your way out this way okay I give this 0.0 0.0 I'm a northeast Italian guy growing up I was in high school when you guys okay now it's like everyone and my friends your overalls fist bump and everyone's doing like you're alright what let's deep do my Street I don't know where the plastic machine is well you're gonna be on camera well and we got I can do this picture of you Joe and Pat's horrible worst experience ever had you fought a war – that's right not avoid thank you for your service the question was where's paly petition I think that was too old I'm guessing this Joe and Pat's Joan Pat's alright so there's two for me Robbie Fox I've seen you in a suit before you're wearing a backwards hat and see come on sorry rent awkward moment of the year clam take it out on me if you think that I'll call call and say I didn't mean it at all but I meant every second every second you saw you saw what I see and you saw that you're small look alive the free rides fucking over Nate dry your eyes tap those keys and go home and fucking masturbate I want to be on camera I want to stay here well selves you have to go behind he doesn't do that I did lose an argument that's why you're being means real I know for a fact people would rather listen to us on the 3rd our drink on on a friend here to old fucks talking about their ass what's your what do you say that the barse already Oh audience would rather listen to our show for another hour than listen to the cousins because I think I shows better than theirs tough category really awkward stuff all right well KFC birds need rap that's probably the rightful winner [Applause] on behalf of the people who did not dress up we'd like to apologize we all should have put in more effort so that's all I say as far as this that was the worst moment of all time and the fact that it's immortalized forever is a problem but hey whatever just lucky to still have a job thank you Lisa throw on a sport coat [Applause] best song paint look I paint in my mustache paint all in my pock crack paint all in my nuts that's grit the award for best song my real girlfriend I definitely should have dressed up today thank you to everyone at work that said oh you look nice today I know you're lying now but it was nice stop that in the video you were wearing a suit I think that's I think that's the one that everyone sees shout out Tiger Woods thank you for winning the Masters and shout out to roan and Robbie and PFT who write the songs I just play the drums and thank you to Smitty for not being in the band anymore [Applause] best foreign film why o HK o you only Hong Kong once I'm good the economics of killing how the West fuels war in poverty in the developing world this is a rough book to find in a place like this chapter 1 how the West's addiction to arms sales caused the 2008 financial crisis I thought that was like bad mortgages oh stop wait you can't actually through the walls here water here there's water dripping those American guys might be costing us the Ryder Cup just some of the worst songs ever heard my entire life Hey best foreign film a category that traditionally has been dominated by Donnie will stay with Donnie dragon skin [Applause] hey how are ya first up I didn't know I was even nominated for the first award I like I don't know how I didn't find out about that when I'm not living in China right now I would have prepared a heartfelt speech right now this is the first time I've won the foreign award going against other human beings than myself so props to me I was worried Hong Kong might win when like all we really did was get drunk and take like Molly at a rugby match not a lot of hard work was put into that but when it comes to Dragon Skin that is the rightful winner you don't get a ring for nothing and I would just like to I would just like to thank gem man whoo Andrew jeong-seon whoo and like to thank Rock there was a guy there's a guy on the team named Rock I'd like to thank Andrew he was American he broke his ankle and the Super Bowl I would like to thank Jeon Shin Jang Shin was a he was a for like a 400-pound Chinese kid which is hard to come by so props to that dude I would like to think oh this names kind of hard to pronounce I think it's ho ho Shing yeah ho Shing dude had hands like he'd just fucking covered in glue that guy didn't never drop the ball I would also like to think this guy was named Apple I don't know he was named Apple but he was a safety and he was fucking fast a lot better than me and last but not least I would like to thank the center on the team he played who got the yips and fucked up three snaps in a row which is the only reason that we won the Super Bowl shutout to that dude I couldn't live with myself if I were you thank you very much go warriors dubs up [Applause] beautiful the Smitty gaming award no I didn't write them either clearly I will find you I will kill you I don't care where you are I'll go need a hundred thousand dollars of charity though oh oh my god I'm down man down look at this this is the platform one bite you look at how tight that is Neil absolutely need to be fucking nailed it the Smitty gaming award goes to only Smitty could lose his own awards are driving trains man the man can't win his own award the only way the only gamer [Applause] meet your heroes award strong Category by the way this year strong Category you're actually calling my content what the fuck what's up Thank You Man all right so here's the deal I'm on pardon my take on barstool love you I love you my dear love you so I may need to sit Robby what's up thank you guys on the mousie a lot of heroes there in the winter well we will give it to the four playboys [Applause] well deserved like to thank the boss man first of all for pretty much everything and kind of making our whole lives I'll be honest it started this whole thing by booing because I was so upset that we weren't even nominated then we won so what weird night love it yeah we wore these things out of protest but it feels good to be a back-to-back winner I still don't know where Tiger if Tiger wants to know where were stationed I still have no idea my brain would melt again but it feels good to win this award thank you very much I didn't have any words for Tiger so I don't have any words here some may say it's narcissistic because I thought when you thanked the bossman you were actually thanking me for a sec first oh well is this an actual thing brightest star that burned out a ward do we have something on this okay we're good at those muggles live I am putting it down I just cut the intro to Michigan man I've heard a lot of you're crying now I heard you pulled Erica aside you like I'm just losing my mind I heard you talk to Frankie you're like I'm losing my mind what is know I'm like it can't be that bad and we're not even pay attention and you're just fucking crying maybe this isn't the blade that was it I need a cheap shot at that guy's just trying to live his life wants nothing to do with us hopefully the awards show you really mean stuff he's watching Michigan College World Series right now and now he's getting sure I had nothing to do with that the best tour this is a professional athlete oh my god his dribbling he's dribbling like Warren and something about Mary please fingering that body oh look at that he's put his big second oh yeah why is it rough today yeah no it does get wet throughout the date and the award for best Tour West Coast waggon to her spit and Chiclets also quick Chiclets story we're at well if I was if I was to tell the story at Lady Gaga yesterday I saw Gary Bettman Commissioner y NHL Erica said hello I'm from Barstow he goes oh spit in Chiclets it was actually kind of cool that he did that right away congratulations spin Chiclets I think we got a business Beach coming what's up everyone a barstool biz here I'm actually a canler right now one country that appreciates our podcast but apparently getting a little bit more appreciation of the office recently by winning an award for the best tour now I was shocked to hear that considering I feel like bar still even tried to sabotage us during the tour by sending our tour manager Bret with us that guy was an absolute nightmare he was basically a drinking buddy for the entire trip didn't even line me up other than order shitty food now you would think Dana one of the more competent members a bar stool that got sent our way would have helped out but he was drunker than bugs he the entire fucking trip so all of a sudden now we got two anchors and then throw our a in the mix who the minute he landed went to the edible shop and fucking must have dummy to what a thousand milligrams because he was on Planet fucking sold on the whole trip so now we had three acres and still somehow mustered up in order to win best to her so here we are and I want to thank you guys for acknowledging the greatness of that to her a million stars and celebrities on it all of which we found on our own and we turned chicken shit into chicken salad so thank you again and I love you and I'll see you guys soon at the new offices so this next part and award shows a watch I always do in memorandums of people who have passed you know this guy I guess he's still alive but I used to work with him all the time and I actually thought he was no longer with us so I asked for the memorandum till I saw him like two days ago let's roll it all right P office there's been a lot of confusion based on the Edit I was just the messenger in the situation awesome as your breath we're just working bitch oh this who gets nothing done hundred percent that's all flat Mara is a fucking moron that fucking feather hair idiot will you be less of an asshole tomorrow than you were today I don't know if I can reveal this there's something going on a Youngstown before the weigh-in how can anybody be as stupid as that floppy hair I guess he's still here he's just on the the Opera for so alright biggest villains always always a heated category here at bar still shout out HBO tonight yeah there no let's go on the record because what they said none of our women am i talking over this what's happening I thought I thought we'd do an award show you just said get yeah so for those at home key said what awful announcing just said that we won't put women on HBO or something but Rio is interviewed and Erica was interviewed what talking about yeah this is confusing anyways let's continue along with the show oh I have the with the biggest villain no brainer public gang I mean come on they're like stole the website they come up with the rose' I mean you name it they did it be honest as much as I hate them the people who didn't dress up here I hate you more that's how mad I am alright let's continue best rough and rowdy moment we got another village crazy rough around until you watch those clips with no thing I mean this is a great victory I wasn't there for I got sick with spider spider in the headlock thank you I'm very honored great our in our moment they're always great I can't wait till the next our and our highlight is me and Nate going at it [Applause] no that was good that was good I'm here for that a very good best worst gambling moment that's gonna take not help him no no no come on oh my god Yale has it beep left-wing 3 [Applause] if the hole is so deep that it's like what what do you even do it when you doing 38 straight I've lost 14 units unlike Villanova alone don't know what to say I don't like this category at all the winner or a loser Tommy getting kicked off March Madness stream I apologize for that is this like an award or you know I mean you know you have the highs and the lows you know still team foreign oil we're still stronger and good as good as friends as ever and maybe next March we'll get hot again we're gonna have to ya know that was tough okay we got a feature bar still animals in the office feature this is exciting Stella beam or tonight the one and only king of the toys the best dog edible is Saturday mornings you end that mud pit this is BFT leroy and this is the saturdays referred to his ten shot just where he come from Marty here are Larry specks he liked that Lions the are words the Patriots and Vikings and the Broncos oh man that was a good one there you're getting the hang of this bro no no Lauren Kentucky shouldn't be shouldn't be other dogs that makes no sense right – makes no sense [Applause] [Applause] that is beautiful touching really okay moving right along and this is a very tough category because we've expanded by about a million people Oh maybe after this show we can cut the fat a little bit but new artist of the year it is great to see how many people follow you and follow Barstow and how passionate they are I mean that's the one thing that bar still lives in every college in America I just feel so free right now that I have the run of the mill look at me I'm Carabas I like baseball cool Wow Jesus I mean this is as far as it goes I can't do it shorts don't I see my party but this is the hardest thing I've ever done I soaked in sweat the Glock Glock three thousand nine thousand is every man's kryptonite three guys just talking movies like like regular friends man nobody's doing it exactly we are by the average Joe and for the average Joe nobody else is doing that podcasting oh don't worry about him he's heartless you're telling me unprompted that he's harmless that probably means he's gonna fucking murder me the Sun shines on every dog's ass every now and then and that's all jess is mine I am that dog my name is Brandon Walker it's better rough day for me very rough my mood is low I've been getting – I've been getting tweets dm's emails everything help you handle on that snow we I have Puerto Rico the Upstate warm up doesn't catch wind of this because that was not a good showing for a Rizzo fan that is true you want a hug the dish you want to cloud my inside I own that I will establish that with authority where fuck its jack I'm doing a documentary with four stars and this is episode one and you give me this guy I didn't have the heart to tell you you were so excited I'm not doing for playing peasant documentary I want NHL stars genuine question what kind of father are you yeah good mediocre did good I mean you already have two children why did you sup to you nobody needs more than two shall we continue we show okay category you got a bunch of winners for this category we got Ellie Brandon Walker Casey Smith Willie Cologne and Liz basically everyone is dressed up come get your awards in here by the way oh we're colored daddy is I don't know what's worse showing up not dressed up just not showing up what up everybody shout out to Barstow breakfast laws Frances patty jetski rod of an engine room thank you to Dave and Erica engine and all the powers to be being a newcomer with the rest of the newcomers it's all about content not giving a fuck and ride with Louisville us to Boston also that was like a good PR picture for us black guy Mexican girl yeah everything I was an a-plus photo right there okay biggest fan I will never fucking wake up a goddamn Red Sox fan fuck you Boston they're in a better spot than us do you get that oh do I get that are you bleeding they're fucking afraid to me and they bring me down with SWAT team there's a fucking million guys in my face they tell me I can't tape I'm taping and then they put me in a SWAT from there's like guns and fucking ammo it's just like if you're gonna arrest me arrest me you know you can't arrest me then one of the guys like how big is social media what are you big on I'm like bro I'm big on everything I put the fucking cuffs on me saying you support Boston sports teams when you're not actually from there the toughest thing it alone so the toughest part about being a Boston sports fan is being a bandwagon sports fans how are you saying I didn't say I was a fan oh okay I said I supported Boston teams never said I was a fan I'm stunned I thought you'd either be napping or incoherent at this point how we doing Rocket category YP and Boris say first of all team Portnoy is now I think I mean at least the first four or five members we've all cleaned up a category all dressed up so that's just lead by example but really at the end of the day I just want to say shout out to the rat magic rat shout to the pet store on 23rd Street that gave him to me thank you to Erica for letting him poop and live under your couch that you took meetings in and everything that was very courteous and thanks to Nate and Robbie and everyone that kicked him out of the office we would have never been here without you so shout to you guys the magic Ryan also he actually had a little acceptance speech he didn't say much but uh oh it's nothing inappropriate I don't why he gets freaking out but whatever I'll tweet it he's a big Duncan Fanny said thank you to Duncan so that's just way to go boys the way to be mature that shout out to everyone that it's happy to blues won all right I'm up graduation YP and I like how you brought attention to the fact all team portly is dressed up is that it did we just do the whole show all right you know as the final one I was doing a card so there it is second annual barstool Awards thank you for everybody watch thank you for everybody who came special thanks to everybody who dressed up in by the way Smitty come up here for one second that's not gonna be bad I want to show you shirt because you didn't win your own award show it's this easy not to get in trouble just where the TE were a little effort that's all we're gonna do this next year Dunkin Donuts thank you you better be dressed up next year if you're still here Thank You Dunkin Donuts for another great time [Applause] you

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