I think my Uber driver is in trouble. You good? Hi on way Am lost. How did this happen, Dinesh. Um, whoever has a grey Toyota, you’re about to get towed. Choking her is played out, hit her ankle with a scooter. Why are people on social media always so mean? Life is good, ya’ll. Get out there and experience it. Bitch, we broke. Strip club owner buys house next door to ex-Wife and installs $7,000 middle finger statue. The sculpture is 12 feet tall and has a spotlight trained on it at night. Slow down bitch I’m tryna sell you some Aflac. My babysitters will never find me. You, Esther, are a creature of great beauty and should never hide. I wish someone loved me as much as this horse loves broccolli. Who would win? The Dankest of memes (or) whatever the fuck this Is? Rocking Spongebob fan masterpiece. Upgrade. Gangnam Style. Go back. Saying “Wuss Poppin’ Jimbo” 27,046 times for charity. I SAID GO BACK. Hey, it’s your Uber driver here. Am outside. No bees=No pollination No pollination=No crops No crops=No bread No bread=No Garlic Bread (Essential items for multiple bee farms.) WHO WOULD WIN? Your ears (or) three letters in a box. “Son, why am son?” “Because you are son.” “Thanks, son” “You’re welcome, son.” Rolling Stone: “Did you know Frank Ocean was gay before he came out last year?” Tyler, the Creator: “Yeah, I was one of the first people he told.” “I kinda knew because he likes Pop Tarts without frosting on them, so I knew something was weird.” “But that’s my nigga.” Introducing: The new sport – Basketball 2 What’s the objective? (spoken: “What is the objective?”) Survive. Nice modded pistol, kid. I’m hacking your account, gonna find out your address and come kill your whole fucking family. Dog: “So what type of guy do you look for?” Her: “I’ve just always had a thing for bad boys.” Dog: (sigh) “We’re done here.” This is what Aladdin looks like without pants. Cowbelly (Our lord and savior): “Alright, so what video do you want next?” Some dude: “Comment Awards” Some lady:”Comment Awards” A heathen: “A new and original video idea.” Diners Drive-ins and Dives: A Troll figurine comes to life, and decides to roam the countryside eating garbage. Your brain thinks that the squares below are actually different colour, but they’re not. Don’t believe me? Put your finger in your ass. India is the second-largest English-speaking country in the world. “Hello dear. How big is your pussy?” “Mmm, very nice pics.” “Send me [nakde] pic [snow] you bitch” “Hello.” “Bitch [Lasagna]” “Hello I bought a pizza today, and I’ve got a complaint.” “Hello, please describe the problem.” “What the fuck?” “It’s the worst when girls use their sign as an excuse.” “They’re like ‘Oh sorry I was being such a bitch!'” ” ‘I’m a Virgo!’ ” “No, you’re a cunt.” The best face-swap I’ve ever seen: AbsentLoversThings: “Apparently Americans don’t have Malteasers, is that right? Omg are you Guys okay?” ImVegasOnFire: “What are Malteasers?” EcstacysMom: “Is that a Malteasers?” No-Rest-In-Hell:”No.” FlowerCrownImpala: “I wonder if actors ever get their scripts and are like, ‘Well this is fucking stupid.’ ” FlawlessSpecter: “Is this a reaction or an example?” StalkingYerMom: “Both.” Picked up my Mum steaming and she said “Can we get Chips?” To which I replied: “No, we have some in the freezer.” Been waiting years to say that. If both Basketball teams just work together they could score so many more points. “What you need?” “A girl that actually wants to give me a chance.” “Aye man I just sell drugs idk what you talmabout” Bone apple teeth, bitches. One day, a woman had 100 children. She sadly did not have the creativity to name all of them unique names so she named each one a number from 1-100. One of them was named “One”, the next was “Two”, and so on, all the way to one-hundred. But, in a tragic accident, 99 of the children died. The only one who survived was the one named “Ninety”. Ninety eventually grew up, and lived a whole life, and she even had a few children of her own. One day While Ninety’s children were playing outside they stumbled upon a stray dog, and they decided to keep it. Ninety did not want the children to have a dog, so they hid it and named it “This”, so that they could talk about it around their Mom without her knowing. They would say, “Let’s go take this outside” and things like that behind their Mom’s back. One day, while Nintey’s children were not paying attention, This walks out into the middle of the street and gets hit by a car. This eventually dies, and Ninety’s kids don’t tell their mother even then. Noone else ever hears about this ever again. Only Ninety’s kids remember This. “Yeah, of course I can paint your ceiling.” Michelangelo scoffed to himself. “Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick out on it tho.” M0ondust: “This fucking never fails to make me laugh.” What I feel like when the picture doesn’t load. (glasses are broken, names are too pixellated to see usernames) This isn’t funny. Apparently I’ve caused a lot of stress. I apologize. Me: “Since I sprouted breasts, I hold them when going down stairs, feels odd when they bounce.” Priest: “Once again, kind of weird, but not a sin.” Doctor: “Any drugs or alcohol?” Guy: ” No, but I vape.” Doctor: “Wow, ok, so no sexual activity either.” When your salad keeps making jokes… Give him a rapping name. 21 SAUSAGE. MIKE WILL ATE IT. WIZ FAJITA. MEEK MEAL. NOTORIOUS P . I . G . . CHIEF BEEF. ASAP ROCKY ROAD. ENTREE 3000. “We’ve been friends for like a year now.” “Yup” “Worst yaer of my life.” Four-thousand years later, and we’re back to speaking in the same language. We decided to have another child because Sarah just isn’t pulling likes on Facebook like she used to. When you’re playing GTA and realize you’ve just been killing civilians for 20 minutes. It’s Sunday, I’m only gonna have one glass of Rosé… 3 hours later… CoolFriendlyGuy: “Guess what number I’m thinking of.” Shingaras: “420.” CoolFriendlyGuy: “No, that’s really immature of you. Someone else guess and please take this seriously.” SheatRiceIsReal: “69.” CoolFriendlyGuy: “Yeah it was 69.” “Is TGIFridays open on other days? Asking for a friend.” “Of course we are!” “Why?” Steal his look: Fred the Fish Gucci Leather straight-leg-pant: $2,300 Hermes Collier de Chien leather belt: $2,325 Uk, Airport sniffer dogs good at finding sausages, but not drugs. What is the name of Donkey in Shrek? Donkey. Three cheers to a bright morning! I buy your product and my PC still has virus. Mars doesn’t wanna meet your stupid ass. (Meet the Planets) Doctor: “You know how they say “Time is money”?” Me: “Yeah.” Doctor: “You’re broke.” “Watch out, we’ve got a bassass over here.” “Be weary, we are in the presence of someone who considers themself a force to be reckoned with.” “The use of irony to mock or convey contempt is utilized in order to make a clear statement about a classified group of society.” “The representative of this social motif is none other than Niel DeGrasse Tyson; a world-renowned, well-respected scientist born on October 5th 1958. ” “Tyson faced many ages(?) of racism in an attempt to join an all-white community of scientific minds.” “His struggle to live as an individual and overcoming this adversity led him to become a role model to the children of America(?).” “Thus, his critique on the actions of would-be rebels is taken with high sincerity. ” “Furthermore, the integration of and position triggers a sense of humour and redefined means of juxtaposition.” “When comparing a badass to the actions of oneself it is apparent that the qualities of said badass become absurd in nature.” “This strong sense of hubris becomes the downfall for many men such as the hero Odysseus.” “Although he shows many signs of intelligence, masculinity and wisdom, Odysseus falls victim to his ego.” “This causes his many unnecessary struggles throughout his journey.” “Much of society today experiences the same matter in question.” “This social motif aims to persuade these individuals to adopt a new way of life.” “Hi Ubisoft, just wanna say that the Witcher 3 was amazing.” “We didn’t make that game :)” “I know, you can’t make such a great game” “I summon Exodia!” “We’re playing poker, you old piece of shit.” Computer: “Caps lock is on.” Me: “cAPS LOCK IS ON.” Everyone is retweeting this and we’re not sure why. “Buy: Spicy Sauce – 1 coin.” Trump: “Just closed the best deal with Mexico.” The Photo on the Left is me Earlier Today at 235 pounds. The photo on the right is me still at 253 but now I’m much happier because I have a beer. Hey, I’m really bad at portioning uncooked Pasta, so if you and 110 of your friends want to come over, dinner is ready. Jesus Christ, Duolingo, that’s one Hardcore Email Campaign. “Language bird is crying.” “Learn Italian today or he will eat a poison loaf of bread. The next email will be a funeral e-vite.” You have joined the public group: #Veganss You have been removed from the group. “If you laugh at other people’s conditions, you will be like them in future…” “Bill Gates only worth 90 Billion? What a bum lmaoooooooooo.” “Elon, why do you never take selfies?” “Self-hatred.” “In Peru, the toilet paper rolls have bonus toilet paper in their holes.” “This has Inspired me to try anal for the first time.” “Thanks, Michael.” “George was a good president for 8 years. Then George said, fuck this shit nigga.” “Hey, are you still selling the WiiU?” “Yes.” “Would you be willing to come down on the price, to 220 dollars? For the difference I can offer you this: the old razzle dazzle” “220 dollars and a meme?” “Yep. Although it doesn’t sound as good like that.” “I’ll admit it did make me laugh. Yeah I’ll do 220 dollars.” “You won’t be able to hear your family over the crunch of Extra-Crispy chicken.” My three frail, sickly sons: “Father please…Share your food…please…we are starving…father…” Me: “CRONCH CRONCH CRONCH” “I bet the first woman who had twins was like ????????” “Who is this dog cheering up?” “Penny Lane: Therapy Dog” Cat: “You really need to get over this identity crisis, Gerald.” Dog: “Meow. Shut the fuck up”. I wanna get wasted! W ake up early! A nticipate a productive day! S tay hydrated! Take a multivitamin! E xercise! D on’t stay up too late!