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Cartoon Trump Is Emperor of New York


AFTER PICKING UP 90 DELEGATES
TRUMP HAS HIS SIGHTS SET ON THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION IN
CLEVELAND. THIS LOGO REPRESENTS THE ROCK
‘N’ ROLL HALL OF FAME, SO MUCH BETTER THAN CLEVELAND’S ORIGINAL
CHOICE, AN ELEPHANT WALKING ON HALF OF LeBRON JAMES. BUT THIS IS LIKELY GOING TO BE A
CONTESTED CONVENTION, WHERE IF NO ONE WINS THE FIRST ROUND OF
VOTING, DELEGATES CAN SWITCH THEIR VOTES TO ANY OTHER
CANDIDATE THEY WANT. AND IT IS NOT AGAINST THE RULES
TO WOO THESE DELEGATES WITH ANY GIFTS, INCLUDING MONEY OR JOBS
OR THE MOST PRECIOUS PRIZE OF ALL: A TICKET OUT OF CLEVELAND. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, DONALD TRUMP HAS A VERY STRONG STANCE ON THIS TYPE OF
BRIBERY.>>IT’S A CORRUPT AND CROOKED
SYSTEM.>>Stephen: OKAY, CORRUPT AND
CROOKED, SO CLEARLY HE’S NOT GOING TO ENGAGE–
>>LOOK, NOBODY HAS BETTER TOYS THAN I DO. I CAN PUT THEM IN THE BEST
PLANES AND BRING THEM TO THE BEST RESORTS ANYWHERE IN THE
WORLD. DORAL, MAR-A-LAGO. YOU’RE BASICALLY BUYING THESE
PEOPLE.>>Stephen: OKAY, SO HE MIGHT
BRIBE THEM A LITTLE BIT. BUT ALL THIS SCHEMING AND OVERT
DISCUSSION OF BRIBERY I BELIEVE HAS TURNED
WHAT SHOULD BE A DIGNIFIED PROCESS OF THE TRANSFER OF POWER
INTO A CARTOONISH FARCE. FOR MORE ON THAT, PLEASE WELCOME
BACK, CARTOON DONALD TRUMP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, MR. CARTOON TRUMP, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.>>HELLO ,NEW YORK! BOW BEFORE ME! YOU HAVE MADE ME YOUR EMPEROR! WOO! WOO!>>Stephen: THANK YOU. WOO, INDEED. WELCOME BACK. THANK YOU FOR PUTTING SOME PANTS
ON.>>IT’S A SHAME. EVERYONE SAYS IT– I HAVE
AMAZING KNEES. I SHOULD BE A KNEE MODEL. TREMENDOUS.>>Stephen: WELL,
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR VICTORY LAST NIGHT.>>WOO! FEELING GOOD! DANCE WITH ME, STEPHEN, COME ON! DANCE WITH ME. SHAKE IT, DON’T BREAK IT, IT
TOOK YOUR MOMMA NINE MONTHS TO MAKE IT. YEAH, I BEAT TED CRUZ, OR AS I
CALL HIM, “DEAD LOSE.” GET IT, STEPHEN? BECAUSE HE LOST, AND HE LOOKS
LIKE A DEAD PERSON BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE. HE’S THE WALKING TED BECAUSE
HE’S BARELY RUNNING. I COULD GO ON ALL NIGHT. UNLIKE TED CRUZ AND HIS TINY
CANADIAN PENIS. UP TOP!>>Stephen: NOW, YOU’VE SAID
>>Stephen: OKAY, THERE YOU GO.>>DOWN LOW. YOU.>>Stephen: SAID– I WANT TO
GET THIS RIGHT– YOU SAID YOU WANT TO BRING A TOUCH OF SHOW
BIZ TO THE CONVENTION. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?>>THAT’S RIGHT, DEMOCRACY IS A
SNOOZE-FEST, GOT TO ZAZZ IT UP. AND I’VE GOT GLITZ AND GLAMOUR
COMING OUT OF MY RAZMATAZZ-
HOLE.>>Stephen: I’M SORRY, YOUR
WHAT?>>NEAR THE RECTUM. RECTUM-ADJACENT. TRUST ME.>>Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
KEEPING THAT CLASSY. THAT’S VERY NICE OF YOU.>>THAT’S WHAT I DO.>>Stephen: AND HOW WILL THE
GLITZ AND THE GLAMOR TRANSLATE TO THE CONVENTION?>>GLAD YOU ASKED. FIRST, I GOLD PLATE THE ENTIRE
CITY OF CLEVELAND, INCLUDING THE PEOPLE. THEN I RIDE IN ON A CHARIOT
PULLED BY SHOWGIRLS DRESSED LIKE LADY LIBERTY. AND UNLIKE THE REAL STATUE,
THESE GIRLS ARE TENS. IT’S A TOTAL GAM SESSION. THEN I TAKE MY THRONE AND
ANNOUNCE MY VICE PRESIDENT, OPTIMUS PRIME. TOGETHER, WE WILL TRANSFORM
AMERICA TO BE GREAT AGAIN! ROLL CREDITS.>>Stephen: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS
LOVELY, THAT’S A LOVELY PLAN. THAT’S IF YOU WIN. WHAT IF OTHER
CAMPAIGNS TRY CAMPAIGNS TRY TO BRIBE YOUR
DELEGATES WITH FREE STUFF?>>BRING IT. NOBODY CAN BEAT ME IN TOYS. I’M TALKING JETS, BOUNCY
CASTLES, ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SHRIMP, ARSENIO HALL’S THERE,
HE’S DRESSED LIKE A SHRIMP, AND HE WILL FIGHT MEAT LOAF, WHO’S
DRESSED AS A MEATLOAF.>>Stephen: THAT CERTAINLY
DOES SOUND NICE. BUT WHAT IF TED CRUZ OUTSPENDS
YOU?>>OH, I’D LIKE TO SEE HIM TRY,
BECAUSE THE WEATHER FORECAST CALLS FOR RAIN, BABY, RAIN. PARTLY CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF
BEN FRANK LANGUAGES. OH, AND HARRIET TUBMAN. BLACK PEOPLE LOVE ME.>>Stephen: WOW, THAT’S A LOT OF
CASH, SIR.>>COME ON, PUT ‘EM ON THE
GLASS, STEPHEN! GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!>>Stephen: I CAN’T DO THAT. BUT IF YOU’RE REALLY GIVING OUT
THAT KIND OF CASH, I WISH I WAS A DELEGATE.>>WAIT, YOU’RE NOT A DELEGATE? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?>>Stephen: YOU’RE ON TV, FOR
ONE.>>STEPHEN, I’M ALWAYS ON TV,
CNN, FOX, ANIMAL PLANET, THE GOLF CHANNEL.>>Stephen: DID YOU SAY ANIMAL
PLANET?>>THEY LOVE ME. I’M THE HOST OF THE NEW “MEERKAT
MANOR.”>>Stephen: YOU’RE HOSTING THE
SHOW?>>NO, I’M HOSTING THE MEERKATS. THEY’RE LIVING IN MY HAIR. LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT THAT LITTLE FELLA. HE’S FABULOUS. HIS NAME’S FABERGE. IT’S A TAX WRITE-OFF. PLUS, HE KILLS ALL THE FIELD
MICE UP THERE. THERE’S A LOT OF THEM.>>Stephen: CARTOON DONALD
TRUMP, EVERYBODY. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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