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Benedict Arnold Betrays His Country for Love (feat. Winona Ryder) – Drunk History


TODAY WE ARE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT BENEDICT ARNOLD. BENEDICT ARNOLD WAS A GENERAL
IN THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION. HE’S A HERO OF SARATOGA,
BUT THE CONTINENTAL CONGRESS PROMOTED FIVE OTHER GENERALS
AND NOT BENEDICT ARNOLD. BENEDICT ARNOLD
WAS VERY BUMMED OUT BY THAT, SO HE GOES TO PHILADELPHIA. THERE’S A YOUNG WOMAN,
PEGGY SHIPPEN, WHO IS THE IT GIRL
OF PHILADELPHIA. PEGGY WAS LIKE,
I’M HILARIOUS, I’M BRITISH, AND I’M THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
PERSON THAT ANYONE’S EVER SEEN. SHE HAS A SUITOR
NAMED JOHN ANDRE, BUT BENEDICT SEES HER AND JUST
FALLS CRAZY IN LOVE WITH HER AND TELLS HER,
IT’S BETTER WITH YOU– THIS IS NOT AN EXACT QUOTE. IT’S BETTER–
YOU ARE SO GREAT. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
YOU’RE SO GREAT. SO SHE MARRIES BENEDICT ARNOLD,
WHO I BELIEVE SHE ALSO LOVED. OH, GOD.
– WHAT? – I JUST REALIZED
THAT I WAS BEING FILMED. [both laugh]
– MY GOD. – SO, ANYWAY, PEGGY SAYS, SWEETHEART, YOU DESERVE TO BE
BACKED BY THE GOVERNMENT THAT YOU BELONG TO. YOU KNOW, THE BRITISH… WOULD APPRECIATE YOU. THEY WOULD LOVE YOU. ALSO, MY FAMILY’S BRITISH. BENEDICT’S LIKE, NO, NO, NO. NO, I’M NOT GONNA–I’M NOT GONNA
DEFECT TO THE BRITISH SIDE. THAT’S INSANE. GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MY DADDY,
KIND OF. PEGGY SAYS, LOOK, I HAVE
A FRIEND IN THE BRITISH ARMY, JOHN ANDRE. BENEDICT’S LIKE, IS THAT GUY
YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND? PEGGY’S LIKE, WELL, I MEAN, BENEDICT, IF YOU REALLY
WANT TO BE WITH ME, BE MORE CONFIDENT. AND BENEDICT’S LIKE, YEAH. YEAH, I AM GOING TO BETRAY
THE UNITED STATES BECAUSE I LOVE YOU,
AND I’M GOING TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I AM NOT JEALOUS,
AND MAKES LOVE TO HIS WIFE. AND SHE’S LIKE, I LOVE IT.
I LOVE BEING A SPY. THIS IS SO GREAT
BECAUSE I LOVE DRAMA. I’M PEGGY SHIPPEN,
LIKE, WHAT AN ADVENTURE. SHE WAS JUST
A SHELTERED, ENTITLED [bleep]. I HAVE THIS WHOLE IMAGINARY
CHORUS OF WOMEN THAT ARE LIKE, DON’T SAY [bleep].
DON’T SAY [bleep]. BUT SHE WAS A [bleep] [bleep].
– [laughs] – SHE WAS BAD. PEGGY SAYS,
YOU WRITE ME LETTERS. I’M GOING TO PASS
THEM ON TO JOHN ANDRE. SO BENEDICT WRITES LETTERS
WHICH ARE REALLY PASSIONATE. THEY’RE LIKE, OH, PEGGY, I LOVE
THAT I GET TO DO IT WITH YOU, BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT
JOHN ANDRE IS GOING TO GET THEM. ALSO, THE CONTINENTAL ARMY
IS GOING TO WEST POINT. ALSO, I LOVE YOU,
AND I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. SO THEY’RE PASSING LETTERS
BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH. AND EVENTUALLY BENEDICT
TELLS JOHN ANDRE, OKAY, I’M GONNA GIVE YOU
THE INFORMATION ON HOW TO ATTACK US. I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING. ALSO, I’M GOING TO INVITE
GEORGE WASHINGTON TO MY HOUSE, SO YOU CAN TAKE HIM
IF YOU WANT. LIKE, HIS FRIEND. – LOVE. – YEAH, IT SUCKS,
SUCKS SO MUCH. SO THEY MEET
BEHIND AMERICAN LINES, AND BENEDICT TAKES OUT
ALL THESE MAPS AND SAYS, OKAY, IF YOU’RE GOING TO ATTACK,
YOU NEED TO ATTACK THIS WAY, AND THEY’RE SIGNED
BY BENEDICT ARNOLD, WHICH I DON’T UNDERSTAND
WHY HE WOULD DO THAT. SO JOHN ANDRE
STARTS HEADED HOME. HE DOESN’T GET VERY FAR
BEFORE HE ENCOUNTERS THREE MEN. THEY’RE LIKE,
OKAY, YOU HAVE A RED COAT, AND YOU HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT. WE’RE GOING TO SEARCH YOU. JOHN ANDRE’S LIKE, UGH. AND HE HAS THESE MAPS, AND THEY REALIZE
THAT BENEDICT ARNOLD HAS BECOME A TRAITOR. SO BENEDICT SAYS TO PEGGY,
BABE, WE’VE BEEN FOUND OUT. AND SHE’S LIKE, YOU JUST–
YOU, GET OUT OF HERE. LIKE, I’LL DEAL WITH IT
ON THIS END. MEANWHILE, GEORGE WASHINGTON
IS WALKING UP TO THEIR HOUSE. GEORGE WASHINGTON,
HEAD OF… LIFE? THE HEAD OF THE ENTIRE
CONTINENTAL ARMY IS LIKE, OH, I’M GONNA HAVE BREAKFAST
WITH, UH, PEGGY AND BENEDICT, MY FAVORITE PEOPLE
IN THE WHOLE WORLD. HE GETS THESE PAPERS THAT
BENEDICT ARNOLD BETRAYED HIM, AND HE VERY FAMOUSLY SAYS, WHOM DO WE TRUST NOW? [shudders]
I’M TOO DRUNK. UM, HE GOES TO THE HOUSE. PEGGY, MEANWHILE, RIPS OFF
HALF OF HER CLOTHES. SHE’S HOLDING HER SIX-MONTH-OLD. PEGGY SAYS, AH! YOU ARE SENT HERE
TO KILL MY BABY. BABY KILLER, YOU’RE HERE
TO KILL MY BABY. AND HE’S LIKE, OH, MY GOSH,
YOU’RE CRAZY. YOU’RE SO CRA–
NO. HE’S JUST LIKE, UH,
WOMEN WITH THEIR HYSTERIA. SHE’S CRAZY RIGHT NOW,
BUT SHE’S ABSOLUTE– I CAN SAY WITHOUT A DOUBT
THAT SHE IS INNOCENT. SHE WAS–SHE WAS–
SHE WAS BRILLIANT. SHE WAS GREAT.
SHE WASN’T GREAT. SHE WAS BAD.
– [laughs] – ANYWAY, BENEDICT ARNOLD
JOINS THE BRITISH. HE’S LIKE, HEY, I WAS AMERICAN
FIVE MINUTES AGO, AND NOW I’M BRITISH. LET’S DO THIS. AND THEY WERE LIKE, NO,
WE DON’T–WE DON’T TRUST YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE THIS TRAITOR. JUST [bleep] GET OUT OF HERE,
AND HE IS SHUNNED BY EVERYONE. AND THEN HE WAS THIS,
LIKE, LIMPING, SAD MAN, AND BEFORE HE DIED,
HE SAID TO PEGGY, TAKE OUT MY CONTINENTAL UNIFORM, AND SHE PUT IT ON HIM,
AND HE SAID, I-I REGRET EVER WEARING
ANY OTHER UNIFORM, AND HE DIED. HE DIED
IN HIS AMERICAN UNIFORM. YOU KNOW WHAT’S REALLY FUNNY
ABOUT BEING DRUNK IS THAT YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE YOU’RE DOING
ALL THE IMPORTANT THINGS THAT YOU NEEDED TO DO. – RIGHT.

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