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Aamir Khan & Kareena Kapoor – Hindi Bollywood Movie (With Subtitles) HD

Hello Yes? What? Sir, kindly switch off your
mobile phone Just one sec, please Excuse me Excuse me Sir, please sit down Captain, there’s a
medical emergency A passenger has just
fallen down in the aisle Delhi, Air India 101 returning
due to medical emergency Excuse me, sir Hold on! I’m fine now, thanks.
Carry on, please Wait – Get the car!
– Mr. Dhillon? Want the name tattooed?
Get the car To the hotel, sir? Yes, yes, but via Vasant Vihar Step on the gas, dude! Yeah, Farhan? Get ready. I’ll pick you up
in five minutes What happened? Chatur called. Remember him? The ‘Silencer’? Yeah He said Rancho is coming What? He said – Come to the campus at 8.
On the tank Oh shucks! Hurry! Ok Honey, I’ll be back soon.
Oh, shoes We found our buddy What? Tell me later – bye You forgot your pants Now to the hotel, sir? Yes, but via
Imperial College of Engineering Ok sir Forgot my socks More than just your socks Your pants Oh no Now get my brother
from the airport Same last name – Dhillon This is Dhillon.
Where’s my cab? On the runway? Hey Rancho Hey Chatur, where’s Rancho? Rancho Where’s Rancho? Welcome, idiots Some ‘madeira’ for you? The same rum you
guzzled those days Have a drink Where is Rancho? Patience. First look at this Don’t eye my wife. Check out
the mansion behind, idiots $3.5 million Swimming pool – heated! Living room – maple wood flooring My new Lamborghini 6496 cc – very fast Why’re you showing us all this? Forgot? What’s this? ‘5th September’. Today’s date I challenge you We’ll meet again after ten years Same day. Same place We’ll see who’s more successful Have the balls? C’mon, bet! Remember? I’d challenged
that idiot right here I kept my promise. I’m back Jackass! I aborted a flight,
he forgot his pants all to meet Rancho 5 years we’ve searched.
Don’t know if he’s alive and you think he’ll show up
for your silly bet I know he won’t show up You gonna break his jaw
or should I So why’d you call us here? To meet Rancho Come and see where I’ve reached
and where he rots So you know where Rancho is? Yes Where? He is in Shimla Free as the wind was he Like a soaring kite was he Where did he go let’s find him Free as the wind was he Like a soaring kite was he Where did he go let’s find him We were led by the path we took While he carved a path of his own Stumbling, rising, carefree walked he We fretted about the morrow He simply reveled in today Living each moment to the fullest Where did he come from He who touched our
hearts and vanished Where did he go let’s find him In scorching Sun,
he was like a patch of shade In an endless desert, like an oasis On a bruised heart,
like soothing balm was he Afraid, we stayed confined in the well Fearless, he frolicked in the river Never hesitating to swim
against the tide He wandered lonesome as a cloud Yet he was our dearest friend Where did he go let’s find him Rancho Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad He was as unique as his name From birth we were taught –
Life is a race Run fast or you’ll be trampled Even to be born, one had to race
300 million sperms 1978. I was born at 5.15 p.m. At 5.16, my father announced My son will be an engineer.
Farhan Qureshi. B.Tech. Engineer And my fate was sealed What I wanted to be no one asked Raju Rastogi
Ranchhoddas Chanchad Room number? D-26 C’mon I’m Man Mohan. MM These engineers call me
Millimeter For eggs, bread, milk, laundry finishing journals,
copying assignments I’m your guy. Fixed rates.
No bargaining Hey wait, hold this Meet Kilobyte, Megabyte
and their mother Gigabyte Go ahead, click –
this family doesn’t bite Check him out
another God-fearing soul Hi. Farhan Qureshi
I’m Raju Rastogi Don’t worry a few days here and
he’ll lose faith in God Then naked babes will be
on the wall, and he’ll say – Oh God,
give me one chance with her Get out of here Four bucks. Two per bag Here’s five. Keep the change Thanks boss. For your tip,
here’s one in return – Wear your best underwear tonight Why? Your Majesty, thou art great Accept this humble offering Ha here’s a He-Man What a pretty piece.
Cute and compact A campus tradition – On Day 1 Freshmen must pay
their respects to Seniors in their underwear. This is when we first saw Rancho Spiderman Batman Fresh meat Greetings.
Drop your pants, get stamped Name? ‘Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad’ What a mouthful!
Needs serious cramming Come on – pants off Being stubborn? Wet pants not good, kiddo.
Take them off Aal izz well – What’s that? Aal izz Well What did he say? Someone tell him. Hey James Bond Make him understand Take off your pants or
they are going to piss on you Hey 007! Ashamed to speak Hindi? Sorry sir, I was born in Uganda,
studied in Pondicherry so little slow in Hindi So explain slowly. No hurry Feeling cold? Pray undress or he’ll do
‘urine-expulsion’ on you Calls pissing ‘urine-expulsion’! A true linguist
in the land of engineers! Hey, come out of there Come out or or I’ll do ‘urine-expulsion’
on your door If you aren’t out by
the count of ten I’ll do ‘urine-expulsion’
on your door all semester One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Salt water is a great conductor
of electricity. 8th Grade Physics We had studied it. He applied it Dr. Viru Sahastrabuddhe
was the Director of ICE Students called him Virus,
computer Virus Virus on the way, with eggs Freshmen are summoned.
Come quickly Virus was the most competitive
man we had ever seen He couldn’t bear anyone
getting ahead of him To save time,
his shirts had Velcro and his ties had hooks He’d trained his mind to write
with both hands simultaneously Everyday at 2 p.m. he took a
7 ½ minute power nap with an opera as lullaby Govind, his valet, had instructions to carry out all unproductive tasks
such as shaving, nail-cutting etc – What is this?
– Sir, nest – Whose?
– A koel bird’s nest, sir Wrong A koel bird never makes
her own nest She lays her eggs in other nests And when they hatch,
what do they do? They push the other eggs
out of the nest Competition over Their life begins with murder.
That’s nature Compete or die You also are like the koel birds And these are the eggs
you smashed to get into ICE Don’t forget, ICE gets
400,000 applications a year and only 200 are selected – You! And these? Finished. Broken eggs My son he tried for three years Rejected. Every time Remember, life is a race If you don’t run fast,
you’ll get trampled Let me tell you a
very interesting story This is an astronaut pen Fountain pens and ballpoint pens
don’t work in outer space So scientists spent
millions to invent this pen It can write at any angle, in any
temperature, in zero gravity One day, when I was a student the Director of our institute
called me He said, ‘Viru Sahastrabuddhe.’
I said, ‘Yes sir’ ‘Come here!’ I got scared He showed me this pen He said, ‘This is a
symbol of excellence’ ‘I give it to you’ ‘When you come across an
extraordinary student like yourself pass it onto him’ For 32 years, I’ve been
waiting for that student But no luck Anyone here, who’ll strive
to win this pen? Good. Put your hands down Shall I post it on the notice board?
Hands down One question, sir Sir, if pens didn’t work
in outer space why didn’t the astronauts
use a pencil? They’d have saved millions I will get back to you on this He zaps a Senior’s privates
at night fingers the Director in the day.
Best avoid him You deflated Virus’s erection Your Majesty, thou art great.
Accept this humble offering Buzz off. You don’t have school? Who’ll pay for it? Your pop? – Keep off my dad!
– Relax For school you don’t need
tuition money, just a uniform Pick a school,
buy the uniform, slip into class In that sea of kids,
no one will notice If I get caught?
Then new uniform, new school See that?
– He was different He challenged conventions
at every stage A free-spirited bird had
landed in Virus’s nest We were robots, blindly following
our professors’ commands He was the only one
who was not a machine What is a machine? Why’re you smiling? Sir, to study Engineering
was a childhood dream I’m so happy to be here finally No need to be so happy.
Define a machine A machine is anything that
reduces human effort Will you please elaborate? Anything that simplifies work,
or saves time, is a machine It’s a warm day, press a button,
get a blast of air The fan A machine! Speak to a friend miles away.
The telephone A machine! Compute millions in seconds.
The calculator A machine! We’re surrounded by machines From a pen’s nib to a pants’ zip –
all machines Up and down in a second.
Up, down, up, down What is the definition? I just gave it to you, sir You’ll write this in the exam?
This is a machine – up, down Idiot! Anybody else? Yes? Sir, machines are any combination
of bodies so connected that their relative motions
are constrained and by which means, force
and motion may be transmitted and modified as a screw
and its nut, or a lever arranged to turn about a fulcrum
or a pulley about its pivot, etc especially, a construction,
more or less complex consisting of a combination
of moving parts, or simple mechanical elements,
as wheels, levers, cams etc Wonderful Perfect. Please sit down Thank you But sir, I said the same thing,
in simple language If you prefer simple language,
join an Arts and Commerce college But sir, one must get
the meaning too What’s the point of blindly
cramming a bookish definition You think you’re smarter
than the book? Write the textbook definition, mister,
if you want to pass But there are other books
Get out! Why? In simple language – Out! Idiot! So, we were discussing
the machine Why’re you back? I forgot something What? Instruments that record,
analyze, summarize, organize debate and explain information;
That are illustrated, non-illustrated hard-bound, paperback,
jacketed, non jacketed with foreword, introduction,
table-of-contents, index that are intended for the
enlightenment, understanding enrichment, enhancement and
education of the human brain through the sensory route of
vision, sometimes touch What do you mean? Books, sir I forgot my books. May I? Couldn’t you ask simply? I tried earlier, sir.
It simply didn’t work Professors kept Rancho
mostly out seldom in When thrown out of one class,
he’d slip into another He said – First year or fourth year,
it’s knowledge. Just grab it He was unlike any of us We fought for a shower
every morning He’d bathe wherever
he found water Morning, sir Machines were his passion When he spotted them,
he opened them Some he could re-assemble some he couldn’t There was another, just like him Joy Lobo Sir. Excuse me, sir Mr. Joy Lobo! Sir, if I could know the
convocation dates Why? Dad wants to make
train reservations I’m the first engineer from my
village. Everyone wants to attend In that case, call your dad Please hurry up.
Don’t waste my time Hello Dad, the Director wants to
speak to you Joy! Mr. Lobo, your son won’t
graduate this year What happened, sir? He has violated all deadlines Mr. Lobo, it’s an unrealistic project He is making some
nonsense helicopter I suggest you don’t book
your tickets. I’m so sorry Sir, I am this close, sir
Is your project ready? Is your project ready?
Sir, see it once, please Submit it, and we’ll consider Sir, a small extension
Why, why should I? After dad’s stroke,
I couldn’t focus for two months Did you stop eating? No Stopped bathing? So why stop studying? Sir, I’m very close.
See it once, please Mr. Lobo! Sunday afternoon, my son
fell off a train and died Monday morning, I taught a class.
So don’t give me that nonsense I can give you sympathy,
not an extension Sir I’m very close Lifelong I lived The life of another For just one moment Let me live as I Lifelong I lived The life of another For just one moment Let me live as I Give me some sunshine
Give me some rain Give me another chance
I wanna grow up once again Give me some sunshine
Give me some rain Give me another chance
I wanna grow up once again Dude’s come up with an
amazing design A wireless camera atop a helicopter Can be used for
traffic updates, security Wow! But Virus said it’s an
impractical design, it won’t fly It will fly! We’ll make it fly Don’t tell Joy. It’ll be a surprise We’ll fly it up to his window
and capture his reaction If we work on his project,
who’ll work on ours? Tests, vivas, quizzes –
42 exams per semester You scare easily, bro Take your hand, put it over your
heart, and say, ‘Aal izz well’ – All is well?
– Aal izz well Words of wisdom from
His Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas We had an old watchman
in our village On night patrol, he’d call out,
‘Aal izz well’ And we slept peacefully.
Then there was a theft and we learned that
he couldn’t see at night! He’d just yell ‘Aal izz well’,
and we felt secure That day I understood
this heart scares easily You have to trick it However big the problem,
tell your heart, ‘All is well, pal’ That resolves the problem? No. But you gain courage to face it Learn it up, bro.
We’re gonna really need it here When life spins out of control
Just let your lips roll Let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll When life spins out of control
Just let your lips roll Just let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll Yell – All is Well The chicken’s clueless
about the egg’s fate Will it hatch or
become an omelette No one knows
what the future holds So let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll Whistle away the toll
Yell – All is Well Hey bro – All is Well Hey mate – All is Well Hey bro – All is Well Confusion and more confusion
No sign of any solution Ah finally a solution
But wait what was the question? If the timid heart with fear
is about to die Then con it bro,
with this simple lie Heart’s an idiot,
it will fall under that spell Let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll Whistle away the toll
Yell – All is Well Hey bro – All is Well Hey mate – All is Well Hey bro – All is Well Blew the scholarship on booze
But that did not dispel my blues Holy incense lit up my plight
And yet God’s nowhere in sight The lamb is clueless for
what it’s destined Will it be served on skewers
or simply minced No one knows
what the future holds So let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll Whistle away the toll
Yell – All is Well Hey bro – All is Well Hey mate – All is Well Hey bro – All is Well When life spins out of control
Just let your lips roll Just let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll All is Well The chicken’s clueless
about the egg’s fate Will it hatch or
become an omelette No one knows
what the future holds So let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll Whistle away the toll Eureka! Eureka! Yell – All is Well Hey Mrs. Chicken – All is Well Hey Mr. Lamb – All is Well Hey bro – All is Well Hey, take it up to Joy’s window Take it higher Look at Silencer – the nude dude! Joy, come out Come to the window Joy, look outside Good news, sir The police and Joy’s father
have no clue Everyone thinks this is suicide The post mortem report – Cause of Death: Intense
pressure on windpipe resulting in choking All think the pressure
on the jugular killed him What about the mental pressure
for the last four years? That’s missing in the report Engineers are a clever bunch They haven’t made a machine
to measure mental pressure If they had, all would know this isn’t suicide it’s murder How dare you blame me
for Joy’s suicide? If one student can’t handle
pressure, is it our fault? Life is full of pressures.
Will you always blame others? I don’t blame you, sir.
I blame the system Look at these statistics –
India ranks No. 1 in suicides Every 90 minutes,
a student attempts suicide Suicide is a bigger killer
than disease Something’s terribly wrong, sir I can’t speak for the rest but this is one of the
finest colleges in the country I’ve run this place for 32 years We were ranked 28th.
Now we’re No. 1 What’s the point, sir? Here they don’t discuss
new ideas or inventions They discuss grades,
jobs, settling in the USA They teach how to get good scores.
They don’t teach Engineering Now you will teach me
how to teach? No sir, I Sir, my paper Vaidyanathan, please sit down Here is a
self-proclaimed professor who thinks he is better than
our highly qualified teachers Professor Ranchhoddas Chanchad
will teach us Engineering We do not have all day You have 30 seconds
to define these terms You may refer to your books Raise your hand
if you get the answer Let’s see who comes first,
who comes last Your time starts now Time up Time up, sir No one got the answer? Now rewind your life by a minute When I asked this question,
were you excited? Curious? Thrilled that you’d learn
something new? Anyone? Sir? No. You all got into a frantic race What’s the use of such methods,
even if you come first Will your knowledge increase?
No, just the pressure This is a college,
not a pressure cooker Even a circus lion learns to sit
on a chair in fear of the whip But you call such a lion
‘well trained’, not ‘well educated’ Hello! This is not a philosophy class.
Just explain those two words Sir, these words don’t exist These are my friends’ names.
Farhan and Raju Quiet! Nonsense! Is this how
you’ll teach Engineering? Sir, I wasn’t teaching
you Engineering You’re an expert at that I was teaching you how to teach And I’m sure one day you’ll learn because unlike you, I never
abandon my weak students Bye, sir Quiet! Quiet, I said I regret to inform you
that your son Farhan Raju has fallen into bad company Without urgent corrective steps,
his future will be ruined Virus’s letters dropped on
our homes like atom bombs Hiroshima and Nagasaki
plunged into gloom Our parents invited us –
for a dressing down Come in See that? We could afford
just one air-conditioner We put it in Farhan’s room,
so he could study in comfort I didn’t buy a car.
I manage with a scooter We put all our money
into Farhan’s education We sacrificed our comforts
for Farhan’s future. Understand? You took these pictures, Farhan? He had that useless
obsession for a while Went around taking
pictures of animals Wanted to be a
wildlife photographer Son, what was your
score that year? 91% Hear that? Straight drop
from 94% to 91% You find it funny? No sir, sorry. I’m just
amazed at the photos Why make him an engineer
Why not a wildlife photographer? Enough! I humbly request you –
Don’t ruin my son’s future Food’s on the table, boys. C’mon If you ever visit again,
do eat with us Dad denied us a meal So, to fill our bellies with food and ears with more reprimands,
we reached Raju’s house Raju’s house was straight
out of a 50’s black and white film A small, dingy room a paralyzed father a coughing mother and an unwed sister A sofa sprouting springs a 24 hour water supply –
from the leaking roof Mother was a retired school
teacher and a tireless complainer Father was once a postmaster Paralysis shut down
his body partly his salary completely.
And the sister Kammo’s turned 28.
They demand a car in dowry If you don’t study and earn,
how will she marry? Some okra? Okra is now 12/- per kilo,
cauliflower is 10/- It’s daylight robbery! What will we eat if we get
warnings from your college? Mom! Cottage cheese? Cottage cheese should be sold
at the jewelers, in velvet pouches Cottage cheese? No, no, it’s ok Mom, please Alright, I’ll shut up Earn for the family,
slave like a maid and then take the vow of silence If not with my son, with whom
do I share my woes – his friends? Hey Raju We were in a huge dilemma Do we comfort our friend
or console his mom? Screw it, we thought, let’s
focus on the cottage cheese Even his eczema cream
costs 55/- now Another roti? No, thank you. We’re through Okra for 12/-
Cauliflower for 10/ At least you were offered a meal Unlike your sadistic dad
‘Hitler’ Qureshi! And your mom is Mother Teresa
Feeding us ‘eczema roti’! Don’t poke fun at my mom!
Enough, you guys I’m famished. Let’s eat out It’s month end. Who’ll pay?
His Mother Teresa? To eat out, you don’t need money.
Just a uniform. Look C’mon – Come Good evening, good evening Oh, Uncle Three large vodkas.
Half soda, half water If we’re caught, we’re dead What’s for starters?
Get double portions Leave this here and start
some peppy music Pia, what the hell! Why’re you wearing
this ancient piece of junk? What’ll people say – My fiancée a doctor in the making,
wearing a cheap, 200/- watch! Please take it off. Thank you Hi handsome Hey Aunty. You’re looking good Don’t miss my set, darling
Rubies? From Mandalay – Mandalay Wow! Hey, let’s go meet David
Of course Excuse me Yes? Flowers – May I take the glass?
– Why? So you don’t break it on my head Why would I do that? For the free advice I’ll now impart What? Don’t marry that ass Excuse me? He’s not a human,
he’s a price tag He’ll turn your life into a
nightmare of brands and prices He’ll ruin your life.
Your future will be finished Want a demonstration? Shall I find out
the price of his shoes? I won’t ask.
He’ll announce it himself What the hell
Mint sauce on my $300 shoes! Run for your life!
It’s free advice. Take it or leave it Genuine Italian leather –
hand-stitched! Dad, are they your guests? My students.
What’re they doing here? Hold on, Dad These beans smell great No room for roti Just pile it on Hi – Hey That was an eye-opener.
Thank you so much It was my moral responsibility Can I ask you for little more help? Dad won’t let me break off
this engagement You explain so well.
Can you give him a demo too? Certainly. Raju, the mint sauce You’re really sweet Where is your daddy?
Right behind you Aal izz well Run for your life!
It’s free advice. Take it or leave it What’re you doing here? We’ll hand these gifts
to the couple I’ll do that for you.
It’s my sister’s wedding Sister? Sir, what’s the sum total
of your daughters? Empty. No gift cheques Forgot the cheques, Raju
Farhan? We didn’t invite you,
you must be from the groom’s side No sir, we’re here as the
emissaries of science How? Can you explain? Dad, he explains superbly.
I’m sure he’ll give us a demo Won’t you? Well, Delhi has plenty of
power cuts that disrupt wedding celebrations So I thought of making
an inverter that draws power from guests’ cars I see Wow So where’s the inverter? Sir, the design is ready Where’s the design, Farhan? I gave you the design
I gave it to Raju Raju, design? Never mind the design.
I’ll make the inverter and show you You can only invent stories,
not an inverter I’ll make one, I promise And I’ll name it after you.
After all, it was invented at your daughter’s wedding.
So it’ll be an honor Farhan, Raju. I’ll see you
in my office tomorrow Sir, what was the cost per plate?
We’ll reimburse you in installments We’ll never crash a wedding again
Not even my own In fact, I won’t even marry.
Nor will he Uh right. No marriage Your parents shouldn’t have
married either The world would have
to feed two less idiots Sit! Pay attention This is Ranchhoddas’s father’s
monthly income Couple of zeroes less,
and it’s still a sizeable income But erase another zero,
and I would worry a little Isn’t that your fathers income,
Farhan? Yes, sir Now take away another zero and that’s your family income,
Raju Rastogi Big reason to worry Take my advice and shift into
Chatur Ramalingam’s room Exams are here. Stay with
Rancho and you’re sure to fail – Want a shave?
– No, sir Then get lost! Raju, don’t worry. This is Virus’s
move to split us. Divide and rule I have to worry He grades us, and I need
good grades for a good job Unlike you, I don’t have a
rich dad I can live off Shut up, Raju Must we follow all his hogwash?
‘Aal izz well’ I won’t be his flunky like you You’re crossing the line
No, I’m drawing one I have a family to support Dad’s medicines
swallow up mom’s pension My sis can’t marry because
they want a car in dowry Mom hasn’t bought a
single saree in five years Now don’t get your mom’s
wardrobe into the debate By the way, how many sarees
per annum is reasonable? Hey no wisecracks about mom We’ll study with all our heart,
but not just for grades To quote a Wise One – Study
to be accomplished, not affluent Follow excellence. And success
will chase you, pants down! Which Wise One says this?
His Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas? Go rot in the bogs! Raju, don’t stress. We’ll top
our class. Nothing is impossible Oh yeah? Shove this back into the tube Raju got onto another train His travails with Chatur began.
Yes, I mean travails, not travels Chatur was called ‘Silencer’ To sharpen his memory,
he popped pills from a local quack And then let off silent
but lethal farts I didn’t do it Raju? He always blamed others
for the output Silencer crammed 18 hours a day On exam eve,
he would distract others His belief – There are only
two ways of topping Elevate your own grades or
shrink your opponents’ grades Rancho decided to subdue
Silencer and rescue Raju with one master plan Our Director has unceasingly
served ‘Served’ means Damn the meaning,
I’ll memorize it Chatur was the introductory speaker
at the Teachers’ Day function To impress Virus, he got his
speech written by the librarian in highbrow Hindi Hello. Hold on.
Chatur, call for you Please collect the printout.
I’ll be right back Oh the things I have to do Mr. Dubey, the Director was
remembering you – Really?
– Yes. Just now I’ll see him right away.
Give this to Chatur Hello. Hello
Hello, Mr. Ramalingam? Yes? I’m calling from the police station – Are you from Uganda?
– Yes sir Your life is in danger
What? How? Listen carefully, or else you’ll get killed as you step out
of the college gate Why? What happened? While Chatur was kept engaged Rancho altered a few words
in his speech, for example ‘served’ became ‘screwed’ Yes sir? – Who are you?
– Dubey. Librarian I’m permanent staff, sir Congratulations Hold on a moment.
The chief is on the other line Excuse me, sir Yes so where was I? You said I may die
outside the gate Right. As you get out of the gate,
you’ll see a traffic signal Traffic signal. Ok When it turns red,
all the cars will halt Ok. Then? Then cross the road
with great caution Because son, in rush hour
if a car hits you, you’re dead What nonsense! I know that You know that? Excellent.
Then you’re safe my boy From the librarian, Silencer You don’t call me that, Chanchad Hey. The Director said
he didn’t call for me Who said ‘called’?
I just said he ‘remembered’ you Remembered? Rascals! Distinguished Mr. Chairperson Chief guest, the Honorable
Minister of Education respected teachers and friends ICE has now soared
beyond the stratosphere The credit goes solely to Dr. Viru Sahastrabuddhe.
Give him a big hand Sir, the voice is his
but the words are mine He’s a great guy, really you are For 32 years, he has
unceasingly screwed students He means – ‘served’ students I’m sure his endeavors
will continue We are astounded at
how one man, in one lifetime can screw so many, so well With rigorous training
he’s built up his stamina He’s spent every living minute
just screwing Let’s replicate his methods Tomorrow ICE students
will go across the globe Wherever we go,
we promise to screw We’ll hoist this screwer’s flag
all over the world We’ll show the world that
our capacity to screw cannot be matched by any student anywhere on the planet Mr. Minister. Good evening You have given this institution
what it sorely needs Booty, funds – Bosom It’s booty, stupid. Bosom means What nonsense! That’s insulting Everyone has a bosom,
but it remains pocketed No one offers it so readily Vulgar fellow! You have generously offered
your bosom to this relentless screwer Now see how he makes it grow Is this what you teach here, Director? On this august occasion,
here’s a Sanskrit verse Listen to this – the might
of his fart in verse A good loud fart is honorable ‘Fart’? Go, Silencer A medium fart is tolerable Softer windbreaks are terrible And the silent ones unbearable That’s what mindless cramming
does to you Cramming may see you
through four years of college but it will ‘screw’ you
for the next 40 years He still doesn’t get it ‘Medium fart is tolerable’
Unbelievable! You’re a poet, Rancho.
How did you think of this? That was fun.
He didn’t know what hit him You swines!
What did I ever do to you? Sorry man.
Don’t take it personally I will Chatur Ramalingam
will never forget this insult I’ll think of it every minute,
every second of my life Sorry man. That was a demo
for Raju – Don’t cram blindly Understand and enjoy
the wonders of Science I’m not here to enjoy Science So You’re here to screw Science Go ahead. Laugh at my methods But one day these methods
will bring me success That day I’ll laugh and you’ll cry You’re on the wrong track again.
Don’t chase success Become a good engineer
and success will chase you These ideals don’t work
in the real world You take your train, I’ll take mine Ten years from now
we’ll meet at the same station Same day. Same place.
We’ll see who’s more successful you or I Have the balls? C’mon, bet! It’s a challenge Watch it! What’s he writing? Don’t forget this date I’m not used to
such expensive gifts, Suhas Get used to them, Pia You’re gonna be
Suhas Tandon’s wife Where’s the bill, man? I’ll be back – You changed the speech?
– What? Don’t lie Um Yeah What’s your problem with dad?
I have no problem I’m making an inverter
named after him. Look Oh Why’re you harassing him? ‘Cause he runs a factory,
not a college Churning out asses.
Like that one She destroyed it, man How dare you call him an ass? He is one!
First Engineering, then MBA then becomes a banker in the USA Because it rakes in more money? Life for him is just
a profit-loss statement He sees profit in you,
so he’s with you Director’s daughter, doctor in the
making Good for his image! It’s not you he cares for Who do you think you are? What do you mean
he doesn’t care for me? New watch? One moment You always need a demo Hey Suhas Where were you? She’s looking for her watch What? You lost the watch Never mind. Get another It cost 400,000! Mine’s just 250/-
but keeps the same time Keep quiet How could
you be so careless, Pia This callous attitude is
disgusting. It’s disrespectful That was a limited edition watch Now wear your ancient
piece of junk at dinner What’re you staring at? Here come the tears!
Real mature, Pia I can’t handle this Stop crying and look for it Find another wrist
for this watch Ass! Hey, you’re awesome.
Called him an ass to his face Get lost It’s too noisy here She’s saying ‘Thank you’,
I hear ‘Get lost’ I said ‘Get lost’
Don’t get so uptight Actually, you never
really loved him What do you mean? When you see him, do the
winds whisper a melody? Your scarf flies in slow motion? The Moon appears gigantic? That happens in movies, not in life Happens in life too –
if you love a person not an ass Hello. What? Oh God! Ok, I’m on my way You’re a medical student,
right? Need your help It’s an emergency, please What? Please come with me.
What’s that oath you doctors take – You’ll never deny a patient help
The Hippocratic Oath Please help me,
it’s an emergency You gatecrash my sister’s wedding,
break off my engagement my dad is popping
BP pills because of you and here I am, helping you! Unbelievable! This Hippocratic Oath –
It’s really done us in! Where’s Raju, ma’am?
Gone to get a cab Called the ambulance
two hours ago In this country,
pizza reaches in 30 minutes but an ambulance ! He needs hospitalization.
Urgently Hey stop! Move, it’s an emergency! Move move Move move Doctor, emergency! That’s the patient Keep this. Hey, here’s Raju What the hell!
You brought dad on the scooter Should I’ve sent him by courier? No wisecracks on dads profession!
Where is he? Go ask the doctor Close call, Pia. A little delay,
we’d have lost him Glad you didn’t wait for an ambulance
and got him on the scooter Call me if there’s a problem Rancho! Thank you Thanking your buddies!
Silencer teaching you manners? Didn’t he teach you –
A friend is man’s greatest bosom? Go on now.
You have an exam tomorrow Exams we have many
Dad mostly just one We won’t budge from here
without the Postmaster Don’t worry Rancho, forgive me. I was scared It’s ok. Quiet, now Please forgive me It’s ok, calm down.
Go see your dad And don’t go
with that weepy face Thanks buddy Natty scooter. Saved a life.
How much does it cost? Pour some mint sauce
on it. It’ll tell you Hey, happy Independence Day Today isn’t Independence Day For you it is! Now you’re free
to wear your mom’s watch No ass can say it’s an
ancient piece of junk Hey How do you know
it was mom’s watch? At your sister’s wedding,
you wore sparkling new clothes Only the watch was old What could that mean? You really missed your mom
that day, didn’t you? Yes Your mom must’ve been
really beautiful Yes. How do you know? Seen your dad? ‘Life is a race. If you don’t run fast you’ll be a broken egg
cuckoo bird’ You The winds whisper a melody The sky hums along Time itself is singing Zoobi do Param pum ‘Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum’ My silly heart goes ‘Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi’ as it jives and jigs along ‘Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum’ My silly heart goes ‘ Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi’ as it jives and jigs along Leaves sing on their branches
Bees jam with flowers Crazy sunbeams dance off petals
As birds yodel in the skies Flowers, bold and brazen
Snuggle and cootchie-coo I’ve seen it happen in movies
What’s now happening with us ‘ Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum’ My silly heart goes ‘ Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi’ as it jives and jigs along ‘ Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum’ My silly heart goes ‘ Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi’ as it jives and jigs along Let’s make the unique and
ever useful mint sauce The all-powerful sauce that
exposes phony people Your 7th house is clear Shunning an ass,
you’ll fall for a human Time is ripe for love Temperature in New Delhi
remains stable Clear skies.
But if in love, expect rain Pitter-patter go the raindrops
Whish-whoosh whistles the wind Do-da-dee waltzes the rain
Boom-boom echoes the sky Drenched in rain and passion
You sway your hips on cue I’ve seen it happen in movies
What’s now happening with us ‘ Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum’ My silly heart goes ‘ Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi’ as it jives and jigs along ‘ Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum’ My silly heart goes ‘ Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi’ as it jives and jigs along The gorgeous low moon
Serenades the earth A shooting star skips along
Crooning a ballad of love The night is bright but lonesome
Come touch me, my handsome I’ve seen it happen in movies
What’s now happening with us ‘ Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum’ My silly heart goes ‘ Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi’ as it jives and jigs along ‘ Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum’ My silly heart goes ‘ Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi’ as it jives and jigs along ‘ Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi’
goes my silly heart ‘ Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi’
goes my silly heart Hello. Wake up – Huh Postmaster’s dead?
– What! No, stupid It’s 8.30, your exam is at 9 But we can’t leave him alone I’m here.
It’s a matter of three hours Take my scooter.
It’s getting late Hey Gosh, what an ancient watch Go Sorry, we’re late
It was an emergency Settle down there Sir, they’re still writing Hello. Time up Please, five minutes.
We started half an hour late It was an emergency He glared at us like we’d
asked for both his kidneys But we continued writing He continued arranging
the answer sheets Done, sir You’re late.
I can’t accept these Sir, please, sir Sir, do you know who we are? Prime Ministers son? Even then I will not accept your paper Do you know
our names and roll numbers? No Who are you? He doesn’t know – Run! Hey, what’s your roll number? Where the hell are their papers? O Lord, have mercy Today was Results day.
Time to make a deal with God Just save my Electronics.
I’ll offer a coconut Sir Snake, bless my Physics.
I promise a pint of milk per day O Mother Cow,
help me pass have this grass I vow: No X-rated thoughts
of girls in my class Watch over my results God of Wealth, I’ll offer 100/-
every month 100/- won’t bribe even a traffic cop let alone the Almighty Check from the bottom You are last And you? Second last Rancho? Not there My heart sank Not ’cause our ranks tanked,
but ’cause our friend flunked There’s a mistake.
It’s not possible. It’s injustice What’s Silencer howling about? He got the second rank Who’s first? Rancho Rancho? Move aside We learned a lesson
in Human Behavior: Your friend fails, you feel bad.
Your friend tops, you feel worse We were sad.
Two others were sadder Ranchhoddas Chanchad.
Front row. Right of the Director Uday Sinha. Second row. Third seat Alok Mittal. Second row. Fifth seat Sahili Rao. Third row Sir, why this seating
according to rank? Any problem with that? Yes, this grading system is
like a caste system A-graders: Masters
C-graders: Slaves It’s not nice, sir
You have a better idea? Yes. Results should not be
displayed at all Why publicise someone’s flaws? If your iron count is low,
will the doctor prescribe tonic or air your report on TV You see, sir? So basically,
what you are saying is I should personally go to
each student’s room and whisper in his ears ‘You have come first’;
‘You’re second’; ‘Oh, I’m so sorry,
you have failed’ No sir, I mean
grades create a divide I’ve topped, so I’m next to you My pals came last,
they’re in the back corner At least they’re in the corner More time with you, and
they’ll be out of the photo They will neither pass,
nor get a job They’ll get jobs, sir.
There must be some firm that prefers humans to machines They’ll get jobs. I guarantee You guarantee it! Bet, sir? Govind – Yes, sir? Even if one of them gets
a job in campus interviews shave off my moustache Sir! – Happy?
– Smile, please Happy, sir Jackass!
Honking to hide your tooting Septic tank! Popping pills again? I didn’t do it Raju? This is a familiar stink He’s the sole cause for
global warming Toss me your wallet – I’ll buy pants Take Chatur’s suit instead
Don’t touch my suit Rancho’ll recognize you
even in underwear Where’s this?
If I could read, would I sell peanuts? He can’t read – But he can speak Wait. Do you know a
Ranchhoddas Chanchad? Yes, he lives there Free as the wind was he Like a soaring kite was he Where did he go let’s find him Chatur, your pills
Thanks. Where were they? In the pocket – Hey, my pants! Karl Marx says to
share all resources Hey, you’ll give people ideas I want it now What happened? Rancho’s father Excuse me, where is Ranchhoddas? There he is – Thank you Rancho – Yes? Sorry. We’re looking for Ranchhoddas I am Ranchhoddas No, I mean ‘Ranchhoddas
Shamaldas Chanchad’ Ranchhoddas Shamaldas
Chanchad. That’s me Ranchhoddas, take care, son ‘Ranchhoddas Chanchad’ Raju I’ll be in the Guinness Book for
driving Delhi-Shimla in underwear That too, for the wrong guy! Same name, same degree,
same photo, but a different guy What’s going on? How did Silencer get
Rancho’s address? Good point! Hey Chatur, come here How dare you open this?
I got this from San Francisco Handmade biscuits Specially for Mr. Phunsukh Wangdu Phunsukh Bangdu? Who’s that? Not Bangdu. Wangdu. ‘W’.
Phunsukh Wangdu Do you know who that is?
He’s a great scientist 400 patents. The world wants him Took me a year
to get an appointment Once he signs the deal with
my company, I’ll be huge! Forget Wangdu.
How’d you get Rancho’s address? You should be thanking
Phunsukh Wangdu He led me to Rancho, See this My secretary was here to fix
an appointment with Wangdu She didn’t get the appointment.
But I found Rancho I checked the Shimla directory
and found Rancho’s name What happened to his face? Plastic surgery
in honor of your visit? Only one man has the answer Sorry Papa,
I couldn’t fulfill your last wish You kept asking me
to take you on pilgrimage But I waited
for the highway tender There the tender opened,
here you closed your eyes I am so sorry, Papa.
I could not be a good son Wrong You’re an engineer.
Your degree’s on the wall! You were a very good son How dare you barge in?
I’ll have you arrested No, you’ll be arrested.
We’ve made enquiries You use the degree
to clinch contracts It’s our friend’s degree.
How did you get it? This is a 150 acre estate If I shoot and bury you,
no one would even notice Get the point? Now get lost I’m taking Papa’s ashes to the
sacred river. Can take yours too Grab Papa! Here, here Let go of Papa! Tell the truth or
Papa is flushed! Hand over Papa
Papa goes to the sacred sewer Get Papa out of the potty
You pull trigger, I pull flush. I’ll count to three Wanna shoot us?
Raju, scatter the ashes One Take us down,
and Papa’s down the drain Two Then grope for him in the gutter What is it, Raju? We’ve got the wrong urn.
It’s empty! Empty? Empty – we’ll empty it out! No, no! We’ll empty it out No hands up! Who are you? I am Rancho I swear on Papa, it’s true I am Rancho! That was Chhote. Chhote? He was our gardener’s son, Chhote He stayed on with us
after he was orphaned Did odd jobs around the house,
ran errands He had a passion for learning He’d wear my old uniform
and slip into school And attend any class he liked.
It suited me I made him do my homework,
take my exams It was going well, till
one day Our teacher saw a sixth grader
doing tenth grade math Which grade are you in, son? What’s your name? We got caught Papa was a powerful man, so our teacher alerted him
before going to the Principal You started it, you will finish it People pretend to show me respect But behind my back mock me as an illiterate I won’t let that happen to my son This boy wants to study.
I want just a degree Let the game go on Make this kid an engineer and I’ll have a degree
in my son’s name on that wall I went to London for four years,
he went to college as me He’d promised to cut contact with all
after getting the degree But he always said,
‘Two idiots will come looking for me’ He really misses you both I’ll give you his address,
go to him But please keep my secret What secret? You got the wrong urn, sir.
Papa is in here What the hell’s going on?
Who was that gun guy? Complicated story.
Without subtitles. Not for you Ignore it – Where’re we going? Ladakh Ladakh! Why? To meet Rancho What’s he doing in Ladakh? No clue. We have
the address of a school School teacher! I’m Vice President of
Rockledge Corporation, and he A for Apple, B for Ball D for Donkey Next week I sign a huge deal
with Phunsukh Wangdu And he A for Apple, B for Ball Today my respect
for that idiot shot up Most of us went to college
just for a degree No degree meant
no plum job, no pretty wife no credit card, no social status None of this mattered to him He was in college
for the joy of learning He never cared
if he was first or last Who was the first man
on the Moon? Neil Armstrong, sir Obviously, it is Neil Armstrong.
We all know it Who was the second? Don’t waste your time.
It’s not important Nobody remembers the man
who ever came second Soon, 26 companies
will be here with job offers You’ll have a job
even before your final exam This is your last lap, my friends Put the pedal to the metal.
Step on the gas Go out there and make history! Any questions? Yes? Sir, suppose a student gets a job but narrowly fails the final exam,
will he still have the job? Very good question Anyone else
with the same question? As expected Please come on stage.
Give them a big hand For the last four years they’ve been our most
consistent students Consistently last in every exam Come my geniuses, come Their brains will fetch
a handsome price ‘Cause they’re completely unused And to answer their question – The exam won’t affect their jobs Because no company
will hire them anyway! They’re so unique, their
names will be writ in gold – ‘Farhanitrate’ and ‘Prerajulization’ Give them a big hand,
please, everybody He screwed us! In front of everyone God, I’ll give up meat,
light a 1000 incense sticks Do me just one favor – Delete Virus! Burn him in hell Fry Virus-nuggets in bubbling oil You think God is a contract killer? You shut up You’re in the center
of the photo every year We’re rotting in the corner This year we may fall
out of the photo altogether – Know why I come first?
– Why? Because I love machines Engineering is my passion Know your passion? That’s my bag – Be quiet What’re you up to? This is your passion Go post this letter What letter? 5 years ago he wrote this for
his favorite wildlife photographer Andre – Istvan He wanted to train with him
in Hungary But in fear of his dad, the Fuhrer,
never posted it Quit Engineering, marry Photography Follow your talent If Michael Jackson’s dad
forced him to be a boxer and Mohammad Ali’s dad
pushed him to be a singer imagine the disaster Do you get it? Idiot! Loves Photography,
but is marrying machines Your Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas Engineering is
my wife and mistress both – But I still fail. Why?
– Explain ‘Cause you’re a coward,
scared of the future Look at this –
more holy rings than fingers One ring per fear –
exam, sis’s dowry, job With such fear of tomorrow,
how’ll you live today? How’ll you focus on studies? Strange buddies! One lives
in fear, the other in pretense You live in both – fear and pretense You’re scared to tell Pia you
love her so you pretend you don’t What rubbish! Easy to offer free advice,
tough to follow it Have the guts? Go confess to Pia. There’s no connection!
Deep connection, Your Holiness Listen, if you confess to Pia I’ll tell Dad – No Engineering,
I’m marrying Photography And I’ll dump my rings
before the job interview Deal? Have the guts? His Holiness is speechless Let’s go Follow me – Where? Let’s go Hey Virus! I’m anti-Virus Hope no dog here Cowards! Let’s go If any danger,
I’ll give the Virus alert Beware – Virus inside Need background score? Pia – Who’s it? Don’t yell! It’s me, Rancho Just listen for a moment,
then I’m gone Say not a word Pia – Yes? Those 22 minutes with you
on the scooter were the most enchanting
22 minutes of my life I could spend an eternity
with you on the scooter Wow and time stands still Every night you ride into my dreams
on your scooter, dressed as a bride Instead of a veil,
you lift your helmet and come close to kiss me But that kiss doesn’t happen Why? Because the noses collide,
and I wake up The noses never collide, stupid! I’m sorry,
I thought you were Pia I wish I was Sis, why did you interrupt? It took him four years
to say this Pia, kiss him.
Show that noses don’t collide You have my permission,
kiss him He’s so cute! – Who’s this?
– My sister Who’re you? When you were talking,
he kicked. First time! He? How do you know
it’s a ‘he’ or ‘she’? Papa asked the astrologer If we’d
get an engineer or a doctor Meaning? Boy becomes an engineer,
girl a doctor Champ, better stay inside.
Out here’s a circus Your grandpa is the ringmaster.
He’ll crack his whip – ‘Run! Life is a race.
Be an engineer’ But you follow your heart.
If grandpa scares you put your hand on your heart
and say, ‘All is well’ He kicked Say it again All is well Kicked again Once more – All is well All is well Who is it? Go You sent hate-mail to Dad,
here’s pee-mail for you Enjoy the pee-mail, happy reading! Who is it? Your future sonin-law And the wedding party Rastogi! Security, that way So you all have already learned
about the simple pendulum Now let’s get down to the advanced
study about compound pendulum It’s an irregular object
oscillating about its own axis Let me demonstrate to you – What’s this?
– Pencil – What’s inside?
– Lead Good. Lead is the axis to this pencil Even you can be a compound
pendulum, if you oscillate about Where is Raju Rastogi?
Present, sir Hi. Everybody is here Good morning, sir Where were you last night? Studying all night, sir
Studying? Really? Hasn’t slept two nights,
that’s why he looks scruffy Not slept? What did you study? Induction motor, sir.
The whole chapter Whole chapter? In that case, Mr. Raju Rastogi Yessir! Can you tell us how an
induction motor starts? Stop it Sir, rum Mr. Rastogi Let’s have a cup of tea
in my office Sir? Close the door Can you type? Yes, sir Will you type a letter for me? Definitely, sir Come, sit Sir, I’m sorry sir Please type Dear Sir It is my painful duty to inform you that your son is rusticated No, sorry, delete that. Go back Your son, Mr. Raju Rastogi is rusticated from the
Imperial College of Engineering Come on, type It’ll kill my dad, sir Please type – Sir, please sir My decision is final and
irrevocable He lives just to see me
become an engineer Should’ve thought of that
before peeing on my door Sir, give me one chance please Ok, remove your name
from the letter and put in Rancho’s I know he was with you
last night Be my witness and I’ll spare you You have 7 ½ minutes to think We won’t let go of you We’re not done yet no way The heavens may beckon you But we’ll take up arms against God And it’s not a fight we intend to lose You may try your best to escape Try with all your might But there is no way
we are letting go of you We won’t let go of you We’re not done yet no way Rancho, watch that monitor Raju His body is paralyzed with shock,
but his mind is alert He can see and hear us.
Please don’t cry in front of him Speak to him normally,
motivate him, joke around Good news, Raju.
Your dad’s recovered The new medicine worked Is this your family tradition – As one male gets up,
the other conks out? Come, wake up Your dad wants Pia’s scooter Should I give it to him?
Hope he won’t dent it Raju, Farhan is live on webcam.
From the hostel Look, Virus has canceled
your suspension order Problem solved Wake up now Everything’s resolved!
You hear that? Rise and shine, buddy In this journey of few strides On the path called life Don’t quit
Just celebrate the ride Listen please to those
who love you Every dark night is
followed by sunrise Don’t shut out those
who love you We won’t let go of you We’re not done yet no way We won’t let go of you We’re not done yet no way Look, mom bought a new saree
Brand new It cost 2000/- Wake up now She bought not one,
but ten sarees Look! Hey Raju! C’mon tell me How do I look? Remember the letters
mom would write Always blessed you
with eternal life Don’t die on her you can’t die Look at us now, don’t turn away Smile once to show you care Wake up,
don’t torment us anymore Did you hear about your sis? She’s getting married Without any dowry The bridegroom wants
nothing at all He just wants Kammo You know who the bridegroom is?
Yeah Guess! You know him very well – Yes He loves animals – Huh ? He’s going to be a
wildlife photographer Quiet Shhhh Didn’t get it? It’s our Farhan Farhan will never take any dowry Farhan will marry your sister For free! Free! Free! Raju! One kilo okra, 500 grams cheese
for ‘free’ would’ve woken him Why sacrifice me ! Well done, buddy So it’s all fixed –
Farhan will marry your sister Rancho Rascals Stop fibbing Lucky escape! We won’t let go of you We’re not done yet no way We won’t let go of you We’re not done yet no way We won’t let go of you ‘Okra Rs.12/kilo’ You called for a taxi? I did – It’s waiting Thank you. Why? I’m going to the job interview You coming with me? No. I’m going for the interview.
You’re going home Why would I go home? Remember, we promised
this rascal Give me your tie Why? I doubt you’ll go for the
interview after reading this What’s that? A letter – For you, from Hungary Some photographer
called Andre Istvan You posted my letter! He loved your pictures The guy wants you to assist him in the Brazilian rain forest,
for a year Will pay you, too Dad will never agree Go speak to him
from your heart For once, dump your fears or someday, on your deathbed,
you’ll regret it You’ll remember that the letter was
in your hand, taxi at the gate With just a little courage, you
could’ve turned your life around Do you think he’ll like it? Why such an expensive gift? Our son’s getting
his first job today Don’t be stingy at
such a proud moment Farhan? Don’t you have
the job interview today? I didn’t go I don’t want to be
an engineer, Dad What happened?
You had an accident? See that building?
I jumped from its third floor Why? Because I was rusticated
from college Why? Drunk, I urinated
on the Director’s door That scoundrel Rancho
is messing with your mind! I don’t enjoy Engineering.
I’d make a terrible engineer Rancho has a simple belief –
Make your passion your profession Then work will become play What’ll you earn in that jungle? A small stipend, but I’ll learn a lot Five years from now when you see your friends buying
cars and homes, you’ll curse yourself Life as an engineer will bring
only frustration. Then I’ll curse you I’d rather curse myself, Dad The world will laugh! Label you a loser,
for quitting in the final year Mr. Kapoor feels you’re fortunate
to be at ICE. What’ll he think? Mr. Kapoor didn’t provide me
with an air-conditioner It wasn’t Mr. Kapoor who slept
in discomfort while I slept well He didn’t take me around the zoo
on his shoulders You did all that, Dad How you feel, matters to me.
Mr. Kapoor makes no difference I don’t even know his first name You think you’re the hero
of a melodrama? Enough, please he’s upset God forbid, if he did
something crazy like Raju Then the discussion is over Don’t say a word or
His Lordship will jump off the roof No, Dad. I’ll never attempt suicide.
I promise The Rancho you detest
put this picture in my wallet Told me to see it if a suicidal thought
crossed my mind and imagine what’d happen
to your smiles when you see my dead body I want to convince you, Dad but not with a suicide threat Dad, what’ll happen
if I become a photographer? I’ll earn less I’ll have a smaller house,
a smaller car But I’ll be happy I will be really happy Whatever I do for you
will be out of genuine love I’ve always listened to you For once,
let me listen to my heart Please Dad Dad Please don’t go away Return this Son, what’s the cost
of a professional camera? Can the laptop be exchanged for it? If you need more money, just ask Go live your life, my son Your grades are consistently poor.
Reason? Fear I was a good student
since childhood Parents hoped
I’d end their poverty That scared me Here I saw the mad race.
You don’t count if you’re not first My fear grew Fear is not good for grades, sir I slipped on more
charms and rings Prayed to God for favors.
No begged for favors 16 broken bones gave me
two months to think and reflect Finally, sense dawned Today I didn’t beg God for this job,
just thanked him for this life If you reject me, no regrets I’ll still do something
worthwhile with my life Such frank behavior
is not good for our firm We need someone diplomatic
to handle clients You’re too straightforward But if you assure us
you’ll control this attitude we may consider you It took two broken legs
to get me up on my feet Wasn’t easy to get this attitude Can’t change it, sir You keep your job
I’ll keep my attitude I’m sorry, no offense, sir Wait I’ve interviewed countless
candidates for 25 years Everyone turns into
a yes-man to get the job Where did you spring from, son? Sir? Shall we discuss the salary? Thank you, sir Your Majesty, thou art great Accept this humble offering Govind! You had said, ‘If he gets a job,
shave it off’ What have you done? I feel naked without
my moustache I’ve lost my dignity I won’t accept defeat, Rastogi The job isn’t yours until you
pass your final exam And this time,
I will set the question paper Dad, that’s not fair Everything is fair in
Love and War And this is World War III Rastogi, you’re dead meat! Hey What’re you doing here? Be careful You’ve been drinking
Yup, had to down a couple A couple too many! Needed the guts – For what? For stealing this – What’s this? The duplicate key to
Virus’s office The question paper’s
in a cover with a red seal Dad has set it, to fail Raju Go get it! Are you mad or what –
that’s cheating! Everything’s fair in
Love and War Tell me something Do you really feel the noses collide while kissing? Wait. Have some dhokla You Gujaratis are so cute But why does your food
sound so dangerous? Dhokla, Fafda, Handwa,
Thepla, Khakhra Sound like missiles C’mon ‘Today Bush dropped
two Dhoklas on Iraq’ ‘400 dead, 200 injured’ C’mon Oh I can deal with Khakhra, Fafda.
But your name ‘Ranchhoddas Shamaldas
Chanchad’ – Yuck I won’t change my last name
after marriage Pia, we can’t get married Why? Is there someone else? No – Are you gay?
– No Then why don’t you
propose to me? – Are you impotent?
– No Then prove it Pia, no Stop, stop! What happened?
We didn’t inform Pia Stop here,
my bladders are bursting Shut up!
Are you in touch with her? No I have her home number
Then call her, I’ll stop Hello No place for urine-expulsion
in this country Hello, is Pia there?
No, she’s not Is she at the hospital? Why would she be there? She’s getting married today
in Manali Too late! She’s married Not yet. It’s a six hour drive If we rush, we’ll reach
before the vows What do you say? It’s a no-brainer. Let’s turn back No turning back Straight to Ladakh.
We’ll meet Rancho and return I have a Friday meeting with
Phunsukh Wangdu Get into the car If I miss my meeting,
the Japanese will get him They’re offering him a
first name in the company ‘Phunsukh and Fujiyashi’,
profit sharing Pia weds Suhas!
Thanks for the suit Virus will have a heart attack At every daughter’s wedding,
we’re there to rock the party Listen, I’ll update Pia,
you peel off the price tag Farhan – We found Rancho – For Room 107?
– Yes, sir – You’ve taken ages.
– Sorry, sir Off, now Housekeeping, sir – Come in Amore Amore Quick, iron my coat Amore Amore We found Rancho!
Now you can’t marry this ass You’re mad, Farhan Don’t fool yourself, Pia.
You still love Rancho You’re still eating his favorite food Amore Amore He’s incorrigible.
Once a price tag, always a price tag Shut up, Farhan.
Suhas is a changed man He doesn’t speak of
brands and prices anymore My 150,000… coat. Why do you people eat sauce? I’ll sort it out, sir – How? Our laundry specializes in
cleaning mint-stained suits I’ll clean it in a jiffy Get it soon But it’s too late now, Farhan
Pia Let’s go, Pia, we’re late Pia, it’s me Raju.
Don’t yell, they’ll kill me Where is Suhas? Housekeeping took my coat Go Send Suhas here It’s rude to leave the ceremony – Yeah, Farhan?
– The car’s ready Grab her hand and run.
Don’t move Sir – My coat? You’re here – So who’s at the altar?
– Altar? Another couple of rounds,
and we’ll be considered married I’m already married, Pia.
Let’s go It’s too late.
People will laugh at me So you’ll commit suicide? Rastogi! People will gossip briefly,
then forget But you you’ll regret
on your deathbed that the car was at the gate,
Rancho within reach but in fear of people,
you married this ass Housekeeping? Pia, minor problem What? We don’t know if Rancho’s married What! He won’t be married
And if he is? Then we’ll drop you back Relax! Handmade biscuit? What’s he doing here? Ignore him
The biscuit’s very good Till yesterday,
I was a law-abiding citizen But in the last 24 hours,
I’d grounded an aircraft almost assigned Shamaldas’s
ashes to the sewers, and made a bride elope from her
own wedding! All for Rancho But he too would do
anything for friends Like stealing the question paper
from the lion’s den Envelope with the red seal He feared that if Raju failed,
there’d be another high jump We were principled thieves,
stealing the paper only for Raju We’d sworn we won’t even
take a peek Where’s it hidden We’ll grow old searching!
Ask Pia Pia, your phone Mr. Papa-To-Be!
If you say ‘All is well’, he kicks He kicked Pia, your phone Found it! Rancho Hello? Quick, photocopy this Where was it? Put it back – We’re safe!
– Where were you? Here – What’s this? A gift Question paper.
Virus set it himself, to fail you Strange buddies! First teach you to be upright,
then offer a path to shame No way If I pass,
it’ll be on my own steam If I don’t, it’s still ok He’d won us over!
I felt like embracing him as family but then I controlled my emotions Damn thief – Sir, please, sir Rascal – Sorry sir Wanted to change the system You’ll pee on my door
Sir, what’re you doing Sorry sir You are rusticated! If all of you aren’t out by morning,
I’ll call the police I will call the police! Rascals! Rascals, all of you How did he get my office key? I gave him the key, Dad I wish I’d given this key to
my brother He’d be alive today Stop it, Pia You think your son
fell off a train and died? Shut up, Pia You decided he’d be an engineer Did you ever ask him
what he wanted to be? You put such pressure on him that he chose death
over the entrance exam I don’t understand Dad, you go to your room Pia, don’t do this He wanted to study Literature,
be a writer But all he wrote was
this suicide note Put that away, please No more cover-ups! Just once if you’d said – Don’t do Engineering
if you don’t want to just do what your heart is in then he’d be alive today He didn’t commit suicide You’re right, Dad It wasn’t suicide It was murder Many city roads are
completely submerged Traffic has come to a standstill Dad Mona? Go back, Millimeter.
Why’re you following us? Why? Your pop owns the road? Please help,
we are desperate here! You can’t send an ambulance? Get it from another hospital The entire city’s flooded, sir.
We’re helpless Mona, you ok? Rancho, Pia Rancho, you can’t reach here.
Do as I say The water bag has burst Disconnected! Mona Mona! Turn on the lights – Where to? To the table tennis table
Pia, we’re in the common room Raju, turn on the web camera Where’s Mona? Show me Hold on Here, Pia Mona, don’t worry. I’m with you Pia, I’m dying! Rancho, even when
there were no hospitals or docs babies were delivered You all will deliver this baby All is well How dare you? I’ll kill you Dad, stay out of this Farhan, get towels and scissors Millimeter, get clothes clips
and hot water Rancho, cover Mona Mona, try pushing Push with all your might Stop it! I can’t do it Rancho, check if there’s crowning Crowning ? Get that diagram See if the head is coming out Check quickly Go! Go, Rancho, go No crowning Mona, please push Mona! She’s tired, Pia Wake her! If she won’t push,
it’s a big problem They need a vacuum cup
Where will they get one? What’s a vacuum cup?
How is it used? I’ll show you If the mother’s too fatigued to push,
a cup is placed on baby’s head Suction makes the cup
stick to the head and the baby is pulled out I can make this – How? With a vacuum cleaner
Vacuum cleaner? Yes That pressure’s too high I’ll control it
D’you have a vacuum cleaner? Yes, in my office Farhan, rush and get it
Here’s the key Mona, push Oh my God What happened? Raju, what happened?
The power’s gone How’ll the vacuum work now? Farhan, you get the vacuum,
I’ll get the power. How? Millimeter, get Virus out What nonsense is this! Not this Virus.
My Virus, the inverter Get that, quick – Ok Raju, wake up the hostel Get car batteries, wires,
and a vacuum gauge Emergency in the common room! – Where’s Rancho?
– Here, sir Keep the batteries here
and the wires Raju, switch off everything,
connect the inverter to the mains Rancho, vacuum cleaner Farhan, get your lens cleaner – Blower?
– Yeah, get it Rancho, blower Good. Fix this to the gauge Rancho, I’m done – All switches off?
– Yes Hit the table
and computer switches Ok Raju, turn on the computer Farhan, here Pia, come here quick Love you, Rancho Farhan, turn it on – Ok Pia, how much suction? Not more than 0.5 Farhan, 0.5 – Cover it 0.5 Vacuum cleaner baby!
Mother of all deliveries Farhan, stop Ok Raju, get on the table Push the baby down, like this Ok Farhan, turn it on C’mon, you can do it C’mon, push Do it for Champ C’mon, Mona He’s coming out! You can do it Yes Mona, push Farhan, turn it off Ok, off Two clips,
cut the umbilical cord Farhan, two clips on the cord Get scissors – Be careful Cut at the center, get a towel Pia, he’s not crying Hey Champ! Rancho, rub his back Hey Champ – Come on, Champ No, nothing Blow air into his mouth C’mon, Champ No response Hush Mona, say – All is well He kicked What? He kicked Say – All is well All is well If Virus had said, ‘My grandson
will be an engineer’ I would’ve broken his jaw But when he finally spoke,
he stunned us What a kick!
Wanna be a footballer? Be what you want to be Wait – I’ve not finished with you! First day of college,
you’d asked me a question Why didn’t astronauts
use a pencil in space? If a pencil tip breaks it’d float in zero gravity.
Get into eyes, nose, instruments You were wrong You cannot be right all the time You understand? Yes, sir This was an important invention You understand? Yes, sir My Director said, ‘When you find
an extraordinary student ‘ Go, study!
Pass your exams and leave And now, Student of the Year Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad Sir, one photo I wanted to capture all these
memories and take them home That day, we hugged,
we rejoiced, we cried We vowed that we’d meet
at least once a year Who knew then, we were seeing
Rancho for the last time Untie him I’ll sue you all in an
American court Raju Only Rancho can create
a school like this But where is he? Don’t pee here Go away creatures Don’t pee here – I’ll smack you Bingo! He cannot be far Excuse me, where is Ranchhoddas? – He’s not Ranchhoddas!
– Rancho Chhote Dammit,
what’s his name? Calm down. Come with me – Where’s he?
– Rancho Farhan, he’s read all your books Raju, he reads your blog everyday.
Proudly shares it with the kids Remember your helmet, Pia?
It was stolen Who are you? How do you know us? – Didn’t you recognize me?
– No How would you?
Millimeter is now Centimeter Not Centimeter, you’re Kilometer How did you get here? I got a letter with
a train ticket inside It said – ‘Miss being in school?
Catch this train’ I did That rascal Rancho! Where is that idiot? Dorje, you fly it Every night you ride into my dreams
on a scooter, dressed as a bride Instead of a veil,
you lift your helmet and come close to kiss me Couldn’t you tell me
before leaving? No Sorry Did you marry? What? No – You?
– Almost Idiot So? So what? Do you love someone? Yes Who? You See, the noses don’t collide,
stupid That’s right! Rancho Hi Farhan! Screw your ‘Hi’ Hey, listen to me
No, you listen to me I can explain everything Hi Raju! How we hunted for you! Didn’t have a coin
for one phone call? Add a couple from me too Rascal, scoundrel Let him go now Ok ok, enough On your feet, c’mon Having fun, idiots? Hey Hi Chatur Ranchhoddas Chanchad.
How do you do, Mr. Teacher? Wow, you’re a teacher in a village –
A for Apple, B for Ball Our trains left together.
But yours traveled in reverse from engineer to primary teacher What’s your salary, Chanchad?
5000…? For me that’s $100 My son’s pocket money is
more than your salary Cut the crap
Crap is what he gave us Wanted to change the education
system, change the world Finally what does he change?
Kids’ diapers You gonna break his jaw
or should I? Just relax Remember I’d said
one day you’d cry and I’d laugh? Sign here.
Accept – You lost, I won! ‘Declaration of Defeat’!
Unbelievable, man Chatur – Crazy guy Hey, this is Virus’s pen!
You pinched it? Forget it, man This is for winners, not losers If your school ever needs help,
call my assistant for a donation A for Apple, B for Ball He hasn’t changed at all!
Ignore him He’s full of crap Good news is your name
isn’t Ranchhoddas Chanchad Imagine, after marriage,
I’m Pia Chanchad – Yuck! By the way,
what is your real name? Phunsukh Wangdu Wangdu? Pia Wangdu! You mean you’re a scientist? You have 400 patents? I won’t change my name
after marriage You mean you’re Chatur’s Wangdu? It’s you the Japanese are wooing? I don’t like Wangdu Are you a scientist
or a teacher? Scientist,
but I also teach children So you are THE Phunsukh Wangdu? Yes, yes! Hey Silencer
Hey Chatur, come back Take that Wait, I’ll stop him Mr. Wangdu,
I can’t believe it’s you I’m sorry, Mr. Chatur I can’t sign the deal
with your company What sir? Why sir? How do I sign, man?
You took my pen What pen, sir?
I didn’t get you The one in your hand –
Virus’s pen Mr. Wangdu ? Yes, Chatur? A for Apple, B for Ball is S for Screwed You got me, Rancho –
I mean, Mr. Wangdu Totally floored me. Good one I hope our personal problems
won’t affect this deal Hey Chatur – take that I was just joking, man Deep down,
I knew you’d do great things You’re fibbing No, really, I swear Rancho – 100, Chatur – 0 You win, I lose.
You don’t believe me? Beware of farts Your Majesty, thou art great.
Accept this humble offering Free advice, Mr. Wangdu –
Run for your life! Rancho, I’ll lose my job, man.
I have small kids His Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas
had correctly stated Follow Excellence Success
will chase you, pants down


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