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05 09 QI КьюАй Quite Interesting – Entertainment (субтитры)

if you’ve joined us from BBC one to avoid the news you’re very welcome here at qi towers we’re dreary realities seldom intrudes help yourself to drinks nibbles and put your feet up and your hands together for Joe Brown the Joxer yes Bugsy’s joining us once again for this children in need Qi special which is all about efore entertainment now Bugsy’s anyone who hasn’t played in this series and i have to tell you about our elephant in the room bonus if you spot an elephant you buzz your buzz and you wave your elephant and you get extra points because there is an elephant in one answer hidden somewhere in one of the questions right well let’s see how entertaining you can be Jeremy goes bill goes and Joe goes Oh by our microbots ever 22:33 supports the number that you have to call to donate to children need brilliant and subtle as a brick so let’s go strip yes the point about the elephant in the bonuses you waive the elephant when there is an elephant in one of the are you seen there is an elephant well good-bye Patsy I was the elephant in the room you were that’s brilliant it was brilliant so to our first question that is done on add a bit of detective work what can you tell me about the owner of these shoes so to show you did he have a couple of really fat kids that used to sit on his shoes to watch the telly a beast children sitting on his shoes could he not afford ski rental it is a bit like the RV like skis planning to close an esteem rally at time he must want to lean forward yes to the greatest effect of anyone of his generation really he was one of the truly great entertainers of his age Lee no no this is what Jacques Tati said of him well that his performance was a foundation for everything that has been realized in comedy on the screen Paris Bill Oddie now we’re going back to the one of the great comedians of the 19th century music Dan Lee no no that would be appropriate exactly no no if I tell you he was born Harry Ralph it won’t mean much he was at the 16th child of a 77 year old pub landlord in fact the blacksmith’s arms from whom we get these original shoes he actually wore these he was very short little Tommy twat he was so short that his stage name is now used to describe short be very link which is only two at every one little tip do you should have heard I’m going back in there he was born with webbed hands and he stopped growing at the age of ten so it was very short and he had 12 fingers and 12 toes and stupid shoes and stupid shoes but now to be fair I know you’re probably gonna mock him but I have to say he will be remembered long after we are forgotten in 200 years time when the name Jeremy Clarkson’s team fright means nothing to anybody little chase we are now landing at Stephen Fry Airport that’ll be Lord Frey’s I’ll chose film this is a film made by a man called Claymore movies in 1900 ins of crap in himself as everyone else gone into a cave I use familiar that I’ve ever been and he’s funny the many of you know he’s great he’s Judas some stupid show as I say he was an infant on Captain on Buster Keaton on actually yeah because actually on the tape he was doing some brilliant stand-up while he was doing all that obviously it was silent it was nineteen hundred no I mean he was a great man if for nothing else he gave his name to short people which is that rather extraordinary achievement so popular was he well I shall move little ditches shoes in great sorrow Oh weren’t impressed by him man little teach was the very first tich and rightly famous for his big boots dance what did Rowland the farter do for a living however he was a sniper he’s rubbish at it I’ve got nos are now being Romilly McClure Awards funny is it farting well I happen to agree with you though Jeremy but apparently henry ii thought it was so funny that he grunted Roland the farter 30 acres and his payment was that on Christmas Day he had to jump about and fart like the smell of farting the noise of it he was a jester licensed jest tubes called Roland the fossa and he got a lot of money for his farting a lot of land because it amused any the second a friend of mine was in a very small shop recently and him the guy went to the back of the shop to get something for him and he did a very big fart and his extremely embarrassing thought what can I say when he got back in so he went all someone’s having their breakfast and now it’s your right that’s lovely well it’s that guy there’s an accent there mr. methane it just makes his living from you know farting bears on demand yeah tunes and oxygens and who was the original of that do you know lip it to me the black to me yes she was a French wasn’t that silent aside oh he wasn’t the pitman I was even post that music coming out of his ass if you see behind Sarah Bernhardt who was the most famous actress of the late 19th century in France was paid 8,000 francs a week he was paid 20,000 francs a week he was the biggest star of his daily he would have an enema every morning so as to be pleasant to his audience he actually breathed in through his arse he could smoke the cigarettes with his ass he would do imitations he would do a ripped sheet anon the bricklayer all these things not so we move away from farting because it doesn’t please Jerry missus just as were expected to be warriors and in fact there are two very important gestures at the Battle of Hastings probably her most famous battle and their names were torold and telephone they’re named on the Bayeux Tapestry so there must be very important in their day and they were usually Dwarfs as you can see and telephone rode out in front of the discouraged Norman Army and he tossed his sword high and sported with it he basically juggled with his sword and one of the English emerged to laugh at him and he immediately cut his head off and this encouraged the Norman army and they then went on to win the battle in the style that we know they didn’t know so they were celebrated on the Bayeux Tapestry crowd there’s a further part of the panel that says William comforted his troops and it shows within the Congress sticking a spear up the arse of one of his men the comfort is didn’t mean what it means now bugger I’m just going to resort encourage encourage good one strengthen Roland the father was given an entire parish in exchange for farting once a year for the King this was before property prices exploded of course governors what he’d need to do now for that amount of land who is the only athlete in the history of the Olympic Games to get a personal mention in the closing ceremony achilles no we’re talking about the modern labs Oh rad clippers and unique all right cliff Jesse Joyce Eddie the Eagle Eddie the Eagle it’s the right answer what year was it 92 88 oh yeah he’s right 88 she’s absolutely right and what was his discipline okay he embodied the spirit because it may not be end of it it was nothing wrong with it look at this I shouldn’t do that really all laugh that’s him look why you didn’t laugh at little tich who did much the same well antonio samaranch the the leader of the ifc he said this really big game some competitors you probably said i’m gonna go on any further let’s have one goal than some of broken records and one has even flown like an eagle but sadly they then legislated so the people like eddie would not be able to participate anymore they said that in order to participate in the Olympics you had to be in the top 30% in your international competition of one of the top 50 of the world whichever and so it closed the gate on inspired amateurs like Eddie which is surely against the spirit of the Olympic he blessed me I had to wear glasses which frosted up he was in a country which has no ski jumps in England he was practicing without having any ski jumps to practice I just carry off the roof of his house but basically probably was why was he picked for the team there because he was the only one who volunteered who else was there who was doubly not just Eddie the Eagle there was another one a few years later do you remember oh there was a swimmer from Equatorial Guinea people had to hang around they were putting the lights out when he arrived I’m not wishing with some patronizing but I just said bless him so there’s no way out he only learned to swim eight months before the big game you’ve never seen an Olympic pool before he stood on the edge of 100 lei why it’s right there the Eagle who despises acknowledged entertainment value resulted in a rule called the Eddie the Eagle rule that excluded colorful amateurs from the Olympics hunter mention anything less in keeping with the original ethos of the games now what’s wrong with these ballet dancers it is quite suspicious and I guess the circus ringmaster well the ballet is called the circus polka fun enough right and you have to decide what’s wrong with it what I’m going to give you a hint because I’ve been very cruel about this particular thing for the last few weeks the wrong kind of species is dancing fairs it should be bears lead you by the trumpet I think Jeremy gets points I’m not sure I’ve Alan didn’t really just coming on your coattails they should be elephants they should be elephant was written for an elephant ballet John Ringling north of the Ringling Brothers Circus and commissioned Balanchine who’s the great ballet choreographer vajira and Igor Stravinsky to write the music for an elephant ballet which was performed in 1942 in Madison Square Garden with elephants in tutus and little beading where I wish they’d run amok ran out of anal area you loose it ran amok yeah would have been fair is the part of it well they kind of did actually because the music I didn’t if you notice Stravinsky particularly well but it’s not it’s not exactly melodic and soft and sweeping and gentle and they were used to doing waltzes and things and was just they heard the music they did frankly they exhibited their pain shall we say that ears flapped wildly and they weren’t happy no less we’re exactly like on Blue Peter but it was it went round for 425 performances in Madison Square Garden anyway what’s wrong with those ballet dancers the answer is it’s that they aren’t elephants now where’s the English National Ballet Oh elephants have you ever seen them I went to watch them it’s Oxford the other day and as they all landed if you go to the Royal Ballet ballet all the time the music anymore cuz they’ve way stops yeah put your finger on why ballet is disappointing because no matter how great the leaps they have to come down to grammarly great puffs of rosin and a creak of stage board and it just so dis and they do have to have the theater at four and a half thousand degrees centigrade in a melting point of titanium that they don’t all freeze up so miserable experience yeah it’s just a lot of people jumping up and down making a lot of noise when they land and need boiling and they are treated like they’re called The Ballad I mean if they’re not the stars it oh they keep me up it’s done I had to work so funny they do a great many valets and they don’t know what part that they’re going to play when they turn up in the evening no worse now the girls who go through ballet school they don’t menstruate to the 19 or 20 often it completely screws their bodies up the whole physiology app everything to say it’s bone structure problems from a very early age I mean this is a miserable thing but they feed them bark made the Norn what was wrong with those ballet dancers is and so to ecommerce now children each of you has a website and I want you to convince me to buy something from your website let me know what your website provides we start with joven this is your website it is a real website and tell me what more could you offer me that is the name of the web or presents or prayers will you tell me what could be its presence then so what is it it’s a very handy course of antibiotics this round is in fact all about people who simply rather word blind when it comes to websites if I’m having a charity dinner and I want Jeremy Clarkson to come and speak to it I need to find out who his agent is and I go to apparently and there you are oh yes that’s partly Joe being an agent always the protective joke but not Finn’s so bill let’s have a look in your website and tell me what you think this website can furnish me with right I see what’s happened there experts don’t even know it’s happened to you yeah popped in for a coffee and I came out as a lady but you’re absolutely right of course it’s not X but sex change it is experts exchange where experts get together to exchange you know in a networking sort of way specialists any running the experts exchange hello this is middle-earth one two the website what does your website offer did you think that very true thus my rapist rape in the town Sarge no it’s right the other way around though isn’t it oh that would be horrible therapy so I’m here yep put the rapist finder finally be Peter knows in California in fact and it is for finding therapists what it is let’s be honest and that’s now Alan your site is it offer please penises you’re unhappy with your own penis that was penis land you donate penises you know you can donate your organ well thing about penis land is it’s a lot smaller than it looks on the map land is of course I love Penn Island is a place where all kinds of veins in fueled writing tool thank you there are other websites you might find there’s the speed of art website which is speedo fart and quite well then one is Powergen of Italy power genitalia so there are people on the web who don’t quite have a sense of how language works which brings us to the part of the show where our guests fall into the lens grinding machine of general ignorance and make spectacles of themselves thank you one person in the audience suppose you shaved a lion and a tiger till they were both as bald as an egg how would you tell which was which fingers on buzzers for this yes either Tiger would be exactly the same size but the line brevet with the size of its squirrel it’s a good thought there is a more obvious way of telling if you strip them until they were just skeletons it would be actually incredibly hard to tell only a real expert would know which was a lion skeleton and the tiger they’re almost identical but if you were just to shade them till they’re completely bald you would know and it’s a brother of dry peas skin yes the tiger would have stripes it has stripy skin as well as stripy fur and that’s true of leopards and jaguars so the lion would just be bald and white and the tiger would have the stripes I took my nephew’s to London Zoo there’s a friend of ours is a zoo keeper there and and she can get you in sort of the back you see a lion and they said there’s a mesh there’s small mesh and big mesh you must stand on the side where that where the big mesh is don’t go near the small mesh stay where the big mesh is do you understand and the kids what we just went into my nephew Terry I said what’s mesh yeah in Brazil I was I went into an enclosure with a Jaguar and that this handler he said it was Brazilian and he said to me as very importance is always approached from the front right okay and I just was sort of like getting closer to the front of it and then he said oh no sorry never sorry my English always never always we lose a lot like that anyway that’s true Tigers are stripy even under their fur now what do you call the biggest squid in the world Brian the trunk and very good on the Kraken is actually the giant squid but there is even bigger the croc elasaur legendary big enormous squid enormous squid yeah keep going Norman you’re gonna get Colossus its the colossal squid is the right answer well-done audience the colossal squid also known as the Antarctic or giant crunch squid apparently it’s believed to be the largest squid species and indeed the largest investment in is truly vast its eyes as are the giant squid which is any slightly smaller are about a foot in diameter the eyes yeah reckon to be up to 46 feet long and if they’re a calamari the Rings will be the size of tractor tires that delicious and would taste of ammonia not good not so good they live around the Southern Oceans they’re preyed upon by sperm whales apparently many of which carries scars caused by the hooks of these giant colossal squid one was caught recently and taken to New Zealand frozen in a block of ice had to be thawed in a microwave how did they get a giant squid 46 feet long into a microwave well that is a good point there’s a big microwave possibly because otherwise they heated it the outer bits would have rotted while the central bits would still be frozen because it was so vast they had to use microwaves that’s the point Oh so a large thing the colossal squid well now I find the question then therefore surely it would be appropriate you come down to breakfast you look in the goldfish bowl and you find your goldfish floating on its side on the surface of the water what’s the matter with it you got it from a fairground a lot of people throw away living its sleepy they sort of stunned although they’re ill they’ve got the balance their balance yeah well and where did they get the balance from there it’s what swim swim bladder yes yes it’s swim bladder disorder what happens is if they’re overfed they get constipation and it effects their swim bladder and they can’t move and they just lie on this side completely still and lot of people think they’re dead and throw them away as you might have done but actually did with three days of no food they usually get all better yeah but the fact is of course as you probably know it’s very easy to overfeed your goldfish their stomachs are the same sizes of their eyes we have something to do our fish we came out one morning and then they were on this side like this sort of like a drunk or something and and then we thought that the cat and how all the herring perhaps had had a go at them we’ve had it we’re not a pet you know that would be foolish giving them a burger we probably had overfed in the start the years some children been around love and they love feeder fish odd and will be the no and of course they’re fine now because we’ve worked out the fantastic Heron determined a problem Tehran with hair in her and get Cohen anything fish so we ought to put mesh over and of course knew you’d no idea what they were and put mesh nothing that was no good he got through the mesh so eventually we try to put a fake heron and the fake hair and thinking that that would be the solution but that had the opposite effect tracted three circling round see gorgeous or does he still the way she stands there halls are still and so we got rid of the fake hair and then we got a fake crocodile verse $7.99 works a treat that hairy and terrified this brain works an absolute treat just below this just below the surface and the herring thing I’m a girl fish they’re mine no maybe absolutely fine oh that’s terrifying when my father had some fish that you loved used to sit and watch to know about that long in gold so I suppose though a goldfish pond there were lilies and he used to watch them and I thought it would be nice one one birthday for to buy him some more fish to go in his pond perhaps a bit different so I went and found these things called ghost koi oh yeah we’ve got ghosts cool you’ve got ghost koi now in in this sort of washing up Bowl they sell them in there there that plainly visible you see them swimming around they got quite nice markings like a tiger so yeah I’ll have half a dozen of those or doesn’t those what I’ve took them home put them in the pond well they completely disappear you can’t see them gone but what ghosts could do is kill all other thing with a puddle full of invisible fish brings us to the scores tonight’s entertainer extraordinaire with a massive four points is Jeremy Clarkson just behind with two points Joe Brown we have two entertainers because tying in last place Bill Bailey and Alan Davies on -6 really big winners tonight are all the children that you’ll be helping with your donations don’t forget to call Oh eight four five seven double three double – double three and tell them Qi sent you so that’s all from bill Joe Jeremy Alan puns in me and I leave you with this thought about one form of entertainment we haven’t covered tonight from no coward people are wrong when they say that opera is not what it used to be it is exactly what it used to be that is what is wrong with it and if you can’t bear to be without Qi until next Friday go to BBC co dot uk’ /qi for a round of Qi quickie next tonight screen white followed by Batman and some backwards history

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